Thursday, December 14, 2006

There Go My Flawless Plans

(Get it? It's a metaphor. I know ... I'm a geek.)
I met The Man some years ago while living with his sisters. His older sister lived in a house with his younger sister and truck driver step-dad. I lived there with them and did daycare for her kids. It was a strange housing situation, but it worked. I was young and needed a place to live and for some reason didn’t mind the fact that it was filthy beyond belief in that house. (I suppose I figured the ‘streets’ were the less appealing option.) When The Man and his now ex-wife split, I took on watching his kids for free to help him out – because he was my friends’ brother. One thing led to another and The Man and I started dating. To leave out years of details that don’t really apply to this story I’ll cut to the chase and tell you that they all became meth-heads. Both sisters, the ex-wife, and pretty much everyone else we’d hung out with.

The Man and I had a light-bulb relationship in the beginning, but for the most part, we both distanced ourselves from the group. The last time I saw his older sister, who we’ll just call HHH (she’s never killed anyone that I know of, but I would not put it past her), we were in an actual fistfight.

Lil' Sis supposedly cleaned up and moved on from the meth group. We still talk to her once in a while and are on pretty good terms. HHH, after losing her three kids, got busted yet again and served time in prison. My MIL got the kids out of foster care and adopted them. When HHH was released last summer, she moved right back in with her momma.

The last time The Man and I talked about her, he was adamant that he didn’t ever care to see HHH again. I think his mom pretty much knew this, though nobody had said anything to her, because they just stopped calling us. This pretty much ended our contact with his mom’s entire household. I told him then, “I don’t want to stand between you and your family, but I don’t ever want to see her again.” He totally agreed.

So… Here we are: The first Christmas that HHH is “free” and “part of the family” again. When The Man talked to his brother about Christmas, his brother said they all want to come to our house – but only if HHH could come. Hmmm…let me think…the last memory I have of HHH is her running out of a house with her fists flying – which led to her pulling my hair and trying gouge out my eyeball. The last time I actually spoke to her, she was making up stories to break up The Man and me and was on her way over to “kick me in the head.” Yeah…I TOTALLY think this is a great idea. “Hey, HHH, why don’t you come over and plop your fat ass down on my couch and talk about how much you hate me? You can finally ‘kick me in the head’ like you’ve always wanted to do!” What’s Christmas without some Psycho Family Drama?? Oh, right, peaceful and fulfilling – meaningful.

I don’t know what to do about this, seriously. I DO NOT WANT HER at my house. PERIOD. I would not choose a serial killer as her alias if she were even close to being a decent person. She is the epitome of evil. She is a heartless, conniving bitch. She gets what she wants by tearing through anyone in her way. She befriends people solely based on what she can get from them and uses everything she knows about them to burn them when she no longer has a need for them. I think I’m starting to sound bitter, but I’m actually the one that ended our friendship, not her. That is what made her so hateful toward me. I could not have for seen at that time that The Man and I would actually start a life together and I may have to see her on certain holidays.
Good Lord, It's a spitting image!

When The Man told me about this last night, I was like, “What do you want me to say to that?” I don’t know what he was expecting so I told him flat out “I don’t want her here.” I don’t know where they get off giving me the ultimatum “Either invite us ALL or we won’t see you on Christmas.” I feel like they are forcing me to say no. I can’t tell if The Man is really upset about it or not. I really don’t want to cut him off from his family and I’ve suggested other ways to do it, but they just won’t work for them. I am completely willing to see her again if I have the option to LEAVE if things get crazy. But, “They can’t do it their house – they don’t even have a tree!”

My dear mother suggested we invite them all over to her house on Christmas Eve, which seemed like a great idea to me. Her SIL is a loud-mouthed, obscene crackhead herself, so I think she and HHH would click. But my worry with that is my mom lives in a beautiful house on a private lake and they live in a mobile home in the boondocks. I’m sometimes embarrassed by my mom’s house because I feel it gives the impression that we have a lot of money – or that we’re snooty. Mind you, I did not grow up in this house – not even CLOSE. My mom has worked very hard to get where she is and she continues to work very hard to PAY for it. But she is very proud of it and loves to show it off and I am worried that they will think we’re trying to demean them by inviting them there.
NONE - I SO need some help with this!
Any suggestions AT ALL will be appreciated more than you will ever know!


Kristina said...

Ahhhh! That's enough to deal with to make a person's head explode!

Honestly, I think it's a bit ridiculous that they say they'll only come if she can.....especially when they know the history. It's YOUR house. I don't think it's too much to ask that she doesn't come. If they want to have a crap ass Christmas at their crappy house just to be with her, let 'em. However, I can also see the other side (only a little bit though!). I really don't think it's too much of you to ask that she's not there (however I'm not always known for my rational thinking skills in situations such as these, haha)

When I read this:

"My dear mother suggested we invite them all over to her house on Christmas Eve, which seemed like a great idea to me. Her SIL is a loud-mouthed, obscene crackhead herself, so I think she and HHH would click."

it made me yell a little.... really though, when you think about it, they could be an interesting duo...."CROTCH POT!" might actually get a few laughs this year...or they could compare glass-ware.... that however would be an occasion where one would say "Thank god for wine! Lots and lots of wine!" We could both get those R E A L L Y big glasses....

Good luck.... I hope you're able to come to an agreement/arragement/decicision that works for both of you!

Lucy said...

Sounds like they deliberately set you up on this one to cause more problems. I would definately NOT let your Mom host-it's not her problem to fix, but also I wouldn't trust them in her house and they SO would get the idea that there was alot of money and probably theirs for the taking, begging, borrowing, etc. I would stand my ground as to the "no contact" decision that you made awhile ago. If they want the whole family together-they can host. Tree or no tree-that's not your problem. And if they have any "real meaning of Christmas" in their hearts a tree won't make or break their holiday. Remember: all the Who's in Whoville sang Christmas praises on Christmas morning even after the Grinch took their tree, toys, decorations and the Whoville roast beast.

Butrfly4404 said...

I think if there had been any kind of contact at all before this, I might feel differently. But this is the first time they've even mentioned her to us. I have no idea what kind of state of mind she is in or anything. She could be a totally different person (Which I HIGHLY Doubt) or she could be wanting to come over to "kick me in the head" I won't know until...I see her.

I love you guys, though, thanks so much!

Anonymous said...

Hmmmm...solution...behave like the Christian you claim to be and welcome HHH with love, forgive her as Jesus Christ forgave you and her both, and stop badmouthing people (especially relatives) in a public forum?

Butrfly4404 said...

Excuse ME??? Being a Christian does not make me an idiot and only an idiot would invite someone who has only hurt them into their home. Jesus Christ would not invite Satan to dinner.

This may be "public" but it's still MY BLOG and I'll talk about whatever I please.

I'm sorry that you don't agree with my views on Attached Parenting, but you should really leave your angst over at Suburban Turmoil. I did not follow your path to leave comments about you because I do not agree with you. And even if I had, I would not have done it "anonymously."

Butrfly4404 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

ha you are going to think I am obsessed, but I keep thinking of things I meant to say...

As for my feelings on your views about Attached Parenting and Childwise, I happen to agree with your comments more than anyone else on the comment board.

Lucy said...

I agree with Amy. Forgiving is one thing, being cautious here is another. I've known many a person who will continue to use & abuse people given the chance. Like Amy said she hasn't apologized or said "Let's try to work this out." It was just "I'm coming over into your home, on a holiday with no regard to your feelings." I'm all about forgiveness if I feel someone is truly sorry. Amy has NOTHING to go by here. I say the whole family was rude to expect something of this nature, especially on a holiday. I stand by my original gut instinct-if they want her they can have the holiday get together.

Butrfly4404 said...

Christianity is a broad religion and does not necessarily mean we all believe the same things. If I believed that Jesus forgave a person like her then I have no hope for the future. I live my life believing that bad people will pay their dues in the end. I cannot stop them, sometimes nobody can. I have to hope that someday they will get theirs or I would be too sad with our world to go on.

I truly hope that when I walk through The Gates, I do not see Bin Laden, Stalin, Charles Manson and such there because Jesus forgives everyone. If Jesus forgave us all despite the things we'd done and despite the lives we've led, then why even try to live good, honest lives?

I believe that Jesus forgives those who welcome him into their hearts. To me, welcoming Jesus into you heart, into your life, means you will reflect his life. It means you will not do things to hurt other people out of spite or want. I can tell you that HHH has NOT welcomed Jesus into her heart.

Thank you for your clarification, and Lucy - thanks for backing me up!

Lucy said...

In order to be completely unbiased I have to clarify something. Jesus does forgive EVERYONE if they truly ask for it-and only He knows what's in a person's heart. That's what has turned me around from probably having a similar life as HHH. I was on a hell bent path for sure. I've done things that I've NEVER told another human being and never will. But I'm forgiven, and I don't do the things I used to do. I think what you were trying to say is that HHH has not turned her life around that you know of at this time. Also Bin Ladin, Stalin and Charles Manson are pretty much in that same category. Your gut tells you to be cautious and I'm sticking by you 100% on that. You know her-we don't. And I'm sure if you saw a very REAL change in her you would forgive her. She sounds like she may never do that, though, and how sad....

Butrfly4404 said...

Thank you, Ms. Anonymous, for contacting me about this. I completely understand how easy it is to misrepresent yourself when typing. I'm glad we were able to be adults about it and solve it rationally.

Your views are actually quite similar to mine and I can see your point about forgivness. HHH and I used to be very close friends and sometimes I dream about her becoming a different person. Sadly, meth can really overtake a person - their body, their soul, their heart. I hope we are able to come to some kind of an agreement (THEIR HOUSE) for the holidays because I would like to have a chance to see if she is any different.