licensed to ill

I definitely owe WhiskeyMarie a drink or something after she (along with my strange train of thought) helped me realize that I had not renewed my driver’s license – in the beginning of May – like I was supposed to.

I’m actually not all that surprised that I forgot. I also forgot to renew at 21, too. But then it was because of all the things going on in my life.

The Man and I had been dating off and on for about a year and a half. I was staying at his house full time, watching the kids while he worked. I didn’t have a regular job and he was piss broke so to get money for my own cigarettes, gas – even milk and food for the kids occasionally – I would go to my mom’s and clean for cash.

To put it very simply, we were having problems. His friend, E, was also staying at the apartment - the two-bedroom apartment in which the kids had their own rooms. So we ALL slept in the living room.

My 21st birthday was a complete bomb. Unbeknownst to me, He and E supposedly had a plan to act as though they weren’t going to have a babysitter to take me out then they were going to SURPRISE me later (good idea!). Then I overheard him that afternoon on the phone with Scari, telling her that he was going to a Magic Tournament and asked her to take the kids. I flipped the hell out. Why wouldn’t I? We were already having problems – most of which I blame on the fact that every move he made as a boyfriend was judged and ridiculed by his friend. I was positive that E had convinced him to actually go do something else on my birthday. The really crappy part was that E was once one of my best friends.

Even though I had spent the afternoon being a sobbing, psychotic mess, my friends insisted that I go out. We went to a hole-in-the-wall bowling alley where I didn’t even get carded. I quickly got drunk and made a complete ass out of myself screaming something to the effect of “And none of these losers will even hit on me!!!”

I woke sometime the next day and The Man and E said they were headed up north overnight to party with E’s sister and her friends. And I wasn’t invited.

After he left, I packed all my stuff and took it to my car.

Then I went back up and played “Three Libras” by A Perfect Circle over and over while I poured my heart out in a three-page letter. I talked about how I’d given him all of me and all I got in return is neglect and coldness. How I’d given up my life to care for his kids and he wouldn’t even make Scari use a car seat (Sunshine was only 2!). How I put all my emotion and love into him and I’d finally realized I would never get it back. And just to be nice, I’d leave the vacuum my mom borrowed us until he got a new one. Fittingly enough, he returned Mother’s Day to find my note.

I moved back into my mom’s. I spent the entire next day crying with PM. We’d decided that if he was really worth all my tears and suffering, and love, that he would call me after we had a little cool down time.

Instead, I got a call from another friend. “Who’s that bitch that answered The Man’s phone?” she asked. “I just called there and it didn’t sound like you, so I asked, ‘Is Amy there?’ and she yelled ‘NO!’ and hung up.”

That mother fucker.

I called his house and it was Scari. “Where’s The Man?” I demanded.

“None of your business.” She laughed, then hung up.

I called over to our mutual friend’s house and the wife said he was over playing Magic.

“You have a lot of nerve, you selfish prick! How the fuck could you have her over there THE DAY AFTER I LEFT!?!?!?!” I screamed into the phone after she’d given it to him.

“I don’t want to talk about this right now.” He coolly replied.

“Well, I’ll tell you what – I’ll be there tomorrow morning to get my vacuum, you can talk to me about it then – and if that bitch is there I’m going to kick her fucking ass.”

“Whatever,” he said and hung up.

The next morning, I looked HOT. I had my big boots on, a totally booby shirt, my tight jeans. I wanted to make him miss me! I scanned the parking lot for Scari’s car and was pleased to not see it – that meant we’d actually be able to talk. So PM waited in the car.

When he met me halfway down the apartment staircase, I knew - I was wrong. “She’s here, isn’t she?” I said with a devilish grin and a twinkle in my eye that few people have seen. It was on.

I darted up the stairs and through the apartment door. She was drying her hair in the bathroom at the end of the hall.

I could feel The Man directly behind me, but I didn’t stop. I ran as fast as I could and wound up my arm on the way there. Almost simultaneously, my fist made contact with her head and The Man grabbed me from behind and threw me on the ground. Or at least that’s what he meant to do. He really threw me into a doorjamb, then onto the floor. He held me down as I glared into his eyes and told him what a loser he was for doing what he did to me. He told me to get out and never come back. “Like I would come back you fucking loser!!!” I screamed from the street.

I hopped into the car and peeled off, “Are they going to call the cops!?” PM shrieked.

“Like they would – she’s a crackhead and E’s got a warrant….wait…where’s E? And her car?”

At that moment, we met E coming out of a fast food parking lot. The look on his face when he caught my glare can only be described as “Oh, Shit!”

I rode his bumper the whole way back to the apartment parking lot. It was stupid, but I knew he didn’t have a license – plus he was “Wanted” – and she didn’t have insurance. What could they do?

I gave up trying to – I don’t know – scare E. And went straight down the highway to home. It was at that moment that I realized that both my vehicle tabs and my driver’s license were expired. “Do they know that?” PM asked.

Just to be safe, I headed straight to the license center. In all my hotness, with adrenaline still pumping hard through my veins, and a smug “Yeah, I hit that bitch” look on my face – I had my picture taken. And I couldn’t have asked for a better one…


This would also explain why I conveniently forgot to renew this time. That weight? I changed that when I moved. I was not 140 in that picture. I am also not 140 now – but it goes the other way. I think I might have forgotten how to apply my “Sexy Face” (aka makeup). I was definitely hit with a case of The Uglies this morning. I’ll get over it. It’s only four years with the next picture. I have also started planning a scheme to delete my new picture from the database if it turns out really bad. Anyone out there with hacking capabilities?

Also, don’t be too hard on The Man. We got past it (obviously) and while it sure wasn’t the first time we’d broken up…it was the last. I’ll tell you about that another time – including what happened to me afterward. ;)

**Updated 7-27-07...I've had a couple people ask, so I will oblige you with the new picture. It is not nearly as great as the last one, but not so bad I won't put it online. ;)

I was really mad this time, too, but not the same kind of mad. Not the Sexy Mad. Okay, really over it now.

How *Special*

Yet another reason Ninja Boy won’t be allowed to watch professional wresting:

WWE wrester Chris Benoit, his wife and seven year old son were found dead in their Atlanta home Monday afternoon after an apparent murder-suicide. (Article.)

To HONOR Benoit, WWE cancelled Monday Night Raw and USA aired a THREE HOUR TRIBUTE to Benoit.

A TRIBUTE.

I would like to think that it was a quick decision made by a higher up who was just too darned busy to think that maybe Benoit was responsible.

But let’s look at the facts: a 220 pound professional wrestler cancels appearances citing “family emergencies,” then is found dead with his family (he was in a separate room) with two giant German Shepard guard dogs roaming the property.

I just don’t think I could have assumed anything other than “BENOIT WAS A PSYCHO.” I definitely would NOT have run a *special* to *honor* him.

Sorry to any wrestling fans out there – but THIS is what is wrong with our country! “Yeah, he did murder his wife and his SEVEN YEAR OLD boy, but he was a really good WRESTLER and we should HONOR him.”

Please.

Save the honor for those who DESERVE it!

Update: Lest you think I was being too harsh...

Is it Monday already?

Really?

I’m so sick of work, I actually feel ILL being here. I’m hating the entire office, too. Not all of them actually did something to piss me off, but I don’t like singling people out.

After Vuty was gone for yet another week and a half vacation (Really, HOW does she get this much vacation time!?), I got really backed up here. I even told my boss the Friday before she was due back, “Well, I’m all caught up with Vuty’s work, but my work has really been suffering.” “Oh, that’s fine,” he says, “Getting her stuff in first is the most important thing.”

I then spent the next week trying to frantically complete requests that were all due the week she was gone with my own work. Bossman actually came to me last Thursday, after I’d gotten to a point where I could SEE my desk again…and had the fucking nerve to tell me he was *concerned* about my work not getting done. At the time, I just played the “I’m working to get it done, sir,” game, but after he left, I came to the realization of The Truth. And I was pissed. He even wanted me to “check in” with him Friday before I left so he could make sure I was working. Seriously.

Since he’s taken on managing another department, he’s been so busy he doesn’t even say hi to us most days. I’ve accepted this. I’ve found ways to get answers that don’t require hunting him down – unlike the other sheep in this department that are completely lost when he’s not around. In fact, I’ve become the person that people come to when they can’t find HIM. I’m probably the least of his worries, or should be, and yet I’m the one he’s now babysitting.

I’m not going to pretend here like I don’t spend an awful lot of time in my Internet world. I know I do…probably a little more than the other people in my department. But then, I don’t have hour-long gab sessions with anyone, either…and they all do. But I make the most out of my work time and normally complete all requests in a timely manner. I have plenty of opportunities while I’m waiting for programs to run and such that I’m able to check my mail and reader the like without wasting time.

Anyway – long bitchy explanation for why I haven’t posted since then. I am vested in my 401K in 17 days. There is no prospected date for the return of the woman whose customer I took on (she’s out with cancer) – in fact, they don’t think she ever will. So alls I’s sayin…is they betta get off muh back or they gonna be sorry. (That’s my gansta talk.)

Let’s move on, shall we?

MAKEOVER MONDAY #3

Mind – My goal was to finish Common Sense Parenting from Boys Town Press. Last post, I was kind of embarrassed to admit this is the book I’d picked up. But now? I have to tell you or I can’t tell you how amazing it is! I will actually finish it at lunch today, but I got through the most important chapters – the ones about keeping your cool and consequences. I’ve been practicing this every day – I’ll tell you more in the “Soul” recap.

This week’s book: between The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron (Highly recommended by Hip Tranquil Chick Kimberly Wilson) and Wish I Could Be There…Notes from a phobic life by Allen Shawn. I started them both and haven’t decided which I’m going to focus on.

Body - Yoga one night a week after work. Walk or run twice during the week. Ummm…I did bad again. I’m having problems trying to work this out – mainly because the only time I have to walk, the bugs are really bad. Also, I was going to do a whole hour of yoga during my Alone Time Sunday morning, but Cowboy never called The Man about fishing, so we went grocery shopping instead. I did spend all day Saturday working on my yard and cleaning, though. It doesn’t qualify as a “Goal Completed” but I’m happy to have gotten off my ass and completed something.

I’m still keeping this goal – I have to accomplish it sometime, right?

Soul – STOP YELLING. I am extremely pleased to admit that I can count on one hand the times I “lost it” enough to yell. As a parent, I don’t think it’s possible to NEVER yell – but cutting down to the point where I’m not ALWAYS yelling was extremely important to me. I really have to thank the book. It’s not called “common sense parenting” for nothing – all the things they said in it clicked on that little light bulb with an “Oh, well, of course! Why hadn’t I thought of that!?” For example: kids have to be TAUGHT how to do things. You can’t expect them to just KNOW. Obviously, right? So why is it that Sunshine got yelled at every time she took a shower and didn’t wash her hair well? I did show her how, but I never took the time to actually say, “Now YOU try it.” I just EXPECTED her to grasp what I was saying and do it right.

The main point that they stress in the book is their Corrective Teaching technique. This is where you tell them what they did wrong – exactly. So, instead of saying “You need to lose your attitude!” I now say, “Rolling your eyes at me and complaining about what I said is rude.” Then you give the consequence – something that will WORK, but is not extreme. Then you tell them how they SHOULD act – “When I ask you to do something for me, just say ‘okay’ and do it without complaining.” And then you practice it.

It sounds corny – and I’m not going to lie – it is. I felt really dumb stopping Ninja Boy and saying “No, I’m not done…” and trying to get through the whole deal. But it works. Like a DREAM. No more fighting with them, no more yelling to get results. Like I said before, I’m still working on it and there will always be things that really upset me. They have a chapter on controlling yourself to show control. And you know, when I lose it, after I calm down, I assess the situation and say to myself “THIS is what I did wrong…THIS is what I need to do next time.” And it’s helping. A prime example is after we got home last night from picking them up, Sunshine told me that her mom broke her (new) bathing suit and threw it away – then bought her one to keep at her house. Oh, and they left all their swimming stuff there, too (that I TOLD them not to leave behind). I lost it then. I was mad that she didn’t send the suit home – I could have taken it back if it really broke! I was mad that they didn’t do what they were told. I was mad that I had to find a solution to this problem – they are going to an aquatic center this week with their daycare. Was I supposed to stay home from work? Send them with and pay admission to sit outside the pool all day? Ask DCP to NOT GO and make her and the other charge suffer? After I calmed down, I went downstairs and told them they could call her and ask her to bring their stuff out. Then I told them that because they didn’t bring them home after I specifically reminded them to, they weren’t allowed to bring things over there anymore. That punishment goes against what CSP teaches you (it’s not measurable) – but that’s how we will be doing things. If she wants to buy things for them to have there, then they don’t need to bring their things from home.

I really can’t say enough good stuff about this book. I am renewing it at the library and I’m going to have The Man read it…at least the chapters that I found really important. I hope it opens his eyes like it did mine. It would create SO MUCH harmony in our house – it actually brings tears to my eyes to think about.

So, my goal for this week is to continue practicing these techniques, as well as positive praise. I always thought I gave positive praise, but I didn’t know you were supposed to praise the things they do every day…and the last couple of weeks, it’s worked VERY well.

Long post today, but you’re a trooper for making it through! ;)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Want to join in the fun?

Here's what to do:

- Choose a goal. (It can be a new one each week or something more long-term.)

- Write a Makeover Monday post to share your goal for the week ahead. State whether or not you accomplished your goal from the previous week. It's okay to brag! If you are working towards a long-term goal, report on your progress.

- Spread the good karma by visiting other Makeover Monday participants to encourage and congratulate them on their own makeovers. (check out Moodswinging Mommy for a list of participants)

- Feel the love coming right back at you!

Don't let Monday be a downer! Start your week off right by celebrating your accomplishments and those of fellow bloggers.

Talking To Strangers

Given my past, I tend to be wary of strangers. I'm not an uber-friendly girl to begin with – I don't like chatting up strangers in the store or making small talk at the doctor's office. But especially when I'm alone, my guard goes up.

This morning, I thought I was out of stamps so I stopped at the post office near my work. It has one of those fabulous tellers that just does what I want and doesn't talk to me at all - the automated machine sort. It comes in especially handy because I'm never "out" when the actual post office is open. So I can mail packages, buy stamps and the like all in the lobby.

I quickly purchased my book of stamps and turned to an older man walking in. He looked a little confused and asked if I knew how to get priority postage with the machine. This is where my siren started going off. Didn't Ted Bundy get his victims acting like he was hurt/confused/lost/etc? Also, where was his car? I didn't see any new ones in the lot. I warily agreed to help – making sure I never fully turned my back to him. I guided him through the automated service and showed him where to put the letter when he was done.

Then he turned to me and said, "Thank you so much! I really had to get that mailed today and didn't know if I could use this thing! I really appreciate it!"

I walked out to my car and after I got in (and was For Sure safe), I watched him clean up his wrappers. A smile spread across my face.
Lesson: Don't let your street smarts talk you out of helping someone in need.

It may not be nice, but...

Click to enbiggen

I AM laughing. And Laughing. And Laughing.

I don't normally like to mess with karma and laugh at other people's misfortunes, but I knew it was a rotten idea and just wanted to share with my iWorld that I was right. Because I'm childish like that.

(Neener neener, Diane! Guess millions of women DIDN'T relate to your sickness, eh?)

BlogMe!

I don’t think it would come as a surprise to anyone if I announced in an extremely whiney voice: “I want to go to BlogHer!!”

Really, are there female bloggers who think it wouldn’t be any fun? I had just started reading Lena’s blog when she went last year. Ummm…enough said? I‘ve been secretly wanting to go since. Even if you aren’t into partying, I found several blogs by very tame women who had a great time last year, too. I guess you can actually learn stuff there, too.

I actually did sit down and figure out the costs of going and I actually did find a feasible way to do it. But then, there’s that pesky guilt-laden Disney trip I want to save for. And other money things that came up that I just couldn’t justify spending it on a trip to go party, er, learn.

I was just wondering, “Why hasn’t anyone offered the trip as a prize yet?” when I happened upon this at blogher.org.

Basically, you use scrapblog.com to create a little scrapblog for yourself, then you publish it and each time someone views it, you gain entry to the random drawing. The really cool part is that you can make as many as you want. As long as you tag it with “blogher07” any view it gets will count as an entry for you. (Check out the official rules here.)

So I’ll make you a deal. You look at mine and I’ll look at yours. Several times, even. I'm nice like that.

Deal?

Good.

So go look at it then. And feel free to link yours in my comments.

An Honor

Our Dearest Brillig talked me into submitting my post "Hunted" to indiebloggers.org. Only NOW am I glad she did, as they featured it today!

I'm probably a giant geekler for announcing this, but the anxiety produced waiting was a terrible burden that I am happy to unload!



Leave me a bunch of comments so I look cool, okay? ;)

Happy 27th

Happy Birthday, Tommy.

I love you.

Look!

Check out the scrapblog page I made!

I'll tell you all about it later!

Butrflies Are Not Meant To Be Caged

This whole “Paris Hilton: Jailbird” debacle brought back some memories for me.

I’m going to guess it was about seven years ago that The Man’s sister, HHH, had just gotten in a fight with one of her ‘baby daddies’ – asking him to sign off his rights to the kid. This guy, naturally outraged, decided to call the police and report that our friend, Drunk Shady, (SO many reasons for this name) was drunk and a minor. He was, but what a lame reason to call!

We stopped at Taco Hell for lunch and I saw a cop very suspiciously driving around another parking lot.

After we finished, Drunk Shady, The Man’s little sister, Si, and I went out to the car for a smoke. HHH was still inside with the kids. We weren’t halfway done with our cigarette when the cop pulled up behind the Cavalier and asked for ID. Drunk Shady, being the annoying drunk that he is, argued with the nice officer. Dumb Drunk Shady. He told us he’d been called about minors drinking. I, the adorable responsible kiss ass, tried to talk to the officer and let him know that we weren’t causing any trouble – that Ex was just mad at HHH.

HHH came out with the kids confused and we explained what was going on. Glaring at Drunk Shady, she handed her ID over to the cop. He told us all to sit tight while he ran his checks.

He shocked us all when he told HHH that he needed to take her in – she had a warrant.

“What am I supposed to do!?” I asked her. “What about the kids!?”

“I don’t know!” She said, “Take them to my moms!”

And that’s what we did. We went back to her mom’s and said, “Sorry, HHH went to jail, I can’t take care of them!”

So, Drunk Shady, Si and I – completely broke – had to get back out to her house. I stopped in at my mom’s second husband’s house and asked him for some cash. He gave me enough for gas and smokes. Then we headed back to the trailer an hour away.

Meanwhile, back at Taco Hell, the officer asks HHH: “So I don’t suppose you know where I can find this Amy friend of yours, huh?”

“Umm, no?” HHH responded.

“That’s what I thought.” Said the cop. “Looks like she has a warrant out there, too, just didn’t come up quick enough.”

When she called me from jail that night, she told me about this. I nearly peed myself. ME!? Cute, LITTLE me!? A Warrant!? WTF For!?

“Remember when we rescheduled our court dates?” She said, “Well, they use paper instead of computers for that so they issued a non-appearance warrant before the reschedule went through.”

“So you can get out?”

“Oh, no,” she replied, “They’re going to make me go to court now…after the weekend. You better stay out of trouble or you’ll be in here with me!”

We had no food, one packet of Kool-Aid, half a cup of sugar and a giant bottle of Sour Apple Pucker. I think it was about halfway through the bottle that the power was shut off. All in all – a really bad weekend.

BUT! Not nearly as bad as it could have been, right? I mean – ME! In jail! I can only imagine…curled up in a ball, sobbing to myself, refusing their ‘food.’ I would have been a wreck. A complete, psychological WRECK. Yet…I still would have served more time than Paris would have, had they let her complete her house arrest. (That is NOT a punishment!) And I highly doubt a few tears from a poor girl would have the effect that they did coming from Miss Hotel Heiress.

I don’t feel like testing my theory – but I know I’m right.

PS – Dying to know why I was in court in the first place? A traffic ticket! Come on! I’m a good girl! (Mostly.) ;)

Makeover Monday #2

Mind - Finish my book. Mission: Accomplished! I finished Cleaning and the Meaning of Life by Paula Jhung yesterday. I still don’t think the title of the book accurately reflects what the book is about. Paula Jhung has a very zen-like approach to decorating and cleaning. I really loved the chapter about Chi – and what makes Chi happy. The book is also written in an easy-to-read manner. Kind of like a magazine. That makes it much easier for my little A.D.D. brain to finish.

This week, I want to finish the parenting book I picked up.

Body - Yoga one night a week after work. Walk or run twice during the week. I didn’t do so hot at this one. I did go for a walk one night and aside from the gnats, it was nice. I’m going to consider the second walk done, too, because we played golf Saturday and I walked most of the way (except when I got to drive the cart!), then we went “Outside Mall” shopping and then I made my garden on Sunday. But as much as I wanted to, I didn’t do yoga.

My goal was supposed to be “Elliptical 3x this week” – but we didn’t get one…again. We stopped in at Sears Saturday night and found a great NordicTrack one on sale from 799.99 to 499.99 – right in (okay, at the very top of) our price range. The Man said “We should buy it tonight! What if the sale ends?” Me: “I triple checked the tag – the sale runs 6/3 – 6-23! Let’s wait until we have the Blazer to pick it up.” Fast forward to Sunday night, racing the hour down there – in the truck – to find that they raised the price a hundred dollars and changed the dates to 6/10 – 6/23. I would have talked to the salespeople about it and asked them to give me the original price (I worked retail for a long time – I KNOW I could have done it) – had there been one willing to stop gabbing with their friends long enough to notice me standing there – OBVIOUSLY waiting. The Man must have seen the steam coming from my ears because he suggested we ‘just go.’ We have spent AT LEAST 10 hours of our time trying to replace this flippin’ machine. It doesn’t help that we live so far away. I’m done. I’m done. I’m done. It took a long time for me to calm down and come to that conclusion, but that’s it – I’m done.

That said - I’m going to keep the same goal for this week.

Soul - Meditate once during the week. Unless you count me deep-breathing to stop the nuclear explosion that I would have become after my Sears visit, I didn’t make this one, either. But I’m scratching the idea. The only time I’ve ever found to meditate was when I went part-time during DCP’s maternity break and I listened to my guided meditation podcasts while waiting for the bus to come. Until I find some extra time like that again, this idea is up in smoke.

My new one that will save my soul better than any reflection: Stop Yelling. This, I’m sure, will be an ongoing battle. I’m a yeller by nature. I can get pretty nasty. I fricking hate it. This coincides a bit with the book I’m reading now, (“Chapter one: appropriate punishment. Yelling is an inappropriate punishment.”) so maybe it will be easier with a little help from the book. And hey! While I’m taking my “time out” (when I get too frustrated and want to yell) I can do yoga or meditate or something. Probably ‘Or Something.’


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Want to join in the fun? Here's what to do:
- Choose a goal. (It can be a new one each week or something more long-term.)
- Write a Makeover Monday post to share your goal for the week ahead. State whether or not you accomplished your goal from the previous week. It's okay to brag! If you are working towards a long-term goal, report on your progress.
- Spread the good karma by visiting other Makeover Monday participants to encourage and congratulate them on their own makeovers. (check out Moodswinging Mommy for a list of participants)
- Feel the love coming right back at you!

Don't let Monday be a downer! Start your week off right by celebrating your accomplishments and those of fellow bloggers.

It's Friday I'm In Linky Love

Today marks the first day of summer in our house. Of course, I’m sitting here at work and my kids are off…playing or something, I don’t know – the point is that SUMMER STARTED and I’m AT WORK.

To console myself, I’m going to let my blogging buddies do some of my work for me today.

I not only suggest, but INSIST that you check out these posts, ‘aight?

On the joys of summer:

*Becki from Cooking With Whine wrote a post on her other blog last year that had me in stitches (and concreted my love for the woman!)… The Rules of Summer Vacation.
*Kellyology explains what a Lounge Mom is and set a new aspiration for my summer.
*Casmee from Pantryshelf describes how she became a Golf Widow.
*And WhiskeyMarie is going camping…with all the necessities, of course!

In other (Bigg!) news:

Tabetha from ThinkBigg is BACK!! She took a hiatus for a couple months and I was really missing her. You (yes, YOU) need to add her blog to your reader. It will give you good karma…seriously.

And now...I have my Coconut Lime Verbena lotion, my tropical wallpaper and my island music so I’m off to take the closest thing I’ll probably ever have to vacation…my break.

Hunted

“I still don’t see anyone out there.” Jenny said as she walked into the back room of the shoe store. “Are you ready to go yet?”

“Yeah, just – ah – just give me a second. And thanks for waiting for me.”

She didn’t see him, but I knew he was out there. He said he would be when he called the store earlier. I lied about what time we closed, but he knew I was lying. And he had no problem waiting. He did it all the time.

The rain was pouring down when we made our move to lock up the store and get to our cars.

“Good luck – is that him?” Jenny asked before she got in her car.

“Shit – yeah – I gotta go, thanks!!” I yelled as I jumped in my Celebrity and raced out of the parking lot. He saw me. He followed me. It was only a short drive to the apartment building, but how was I supposed to park and get in? I had to lose him.

With shaking hands, I reached for my seatbelt – doing 75 mph – it was raining so hard all I could see was his truck in my rear view. I lit a cigarette.

I ran a red light, cut off a couple cars and managed to catch a small break – so small he still saw me turn into the complex. I sped through the parking lot, praying to God nobody walked out in front of me.

I found a spot in the back, where it would be harder to find. I ran halfway to the door. There, I crouched down next to a truck, soaking wet, and waited for him to see my car. Once he noticed it and made his way to the back, I ran for the door. The security lock was broken – good for me, but good for him, too. I ran up the two flights of stairs as fast as I could. When I reached the top, I heard the main door open.

I ran down the long hallway and pounded on the apartment door. The Man opened it to find me drenched, shaking.

“What’s going on?” He asked.

I pushed my way into the apartment and quickly closed the door.

“He was waiting for me after work.” I answered.

He didn’t ask any more questions.

He just took me in his arms and held me as I started to sob.

The End.

I knew I had to make a decision on whether to be with The Punjabi or start hiding. But I feared going back to being broke. I didn’t want that life back. But I didn’t want this life either.

My decision came rather easily the day one of his store managers propositioned me.

“You do for me what you do for Punjabi,” he said.

“And what is that?” I shot back.

“You know.” He said, waiting for me to ‘catch on.’ “The money for the sex??”

My jaw dropped.

“Punjabi has gotten NO sex from me and neither will you. What the fuck is wrong with you people!?” I stormed out of the store.

Why would he tell people that? Why was he even telling people about me?

Because he needed to, in order to get information on me.

Suddenly, knew all the person details I’d gone to such great lengths to hide.

He would drive past the house I was staying at. He made no attempt to hide it. People started to wonder what was going on, but I just played dumb. Like we’d never even met.

He would show up at my job unannounced with random friends and family to introduce me to. He would show up alone with money and drugs and a plea for me to call. Or he would call me and ask, “Who is that you were talking to in the parking lot?” I started looking around the lots of surrounding stores as a precaution but never saw any of his vehicles. I figured he must have someone else watching me.

Then I started seeing his “friends” when I’d go out. At restaurants, bars, stores, parks – wherever I was – one of them was there, too.

One day when he called my work, I told him, “Don’t call me here anymore. This is my job and I don’t want to lose it because you keep calling me.”

“Why you care about that stupid job?” He said, “I take care of you.”

“I can take care of myself!” I said, “I don’t need you and I don’t want you to call me anymore!”

He stopped calling, but his friends didn’t. I got a call from a Pakistani girl telling me how stupid it was to blow him off. Then I started seeing his truck pointed directly at my work in a neighboring lot. I thought about calling the police, but he hadn’t really done anything wrong. I was just some hoodrat and he was a local businessman. My case didn’t seem viable enough to risk retaliation. So instead of fighting, I just took to hiding better.

While I didn’t quit my job, I changed up my schedule a bit. I read about stalking cases and adopted habits to help me get through.

I triple-checked every lock.
I screened my cell phone calls.
I always parked in well-lit areas.
I carried a knife.
My coworkers knew my schedule was never to be released and would give me rides when they could.
I was never “there” when I got a phone call.
I parked blocks away from where I really was.
I took roundabout ways and backstreets everywhere I went.
I watched my back every second of every day.
Even if I didn’t feel threatened, I was suspicious of everyone I met – wondering if they were a spy.

There were a few occasions that he’d see me driving down the road and he’d do whatever it took to follow me. Cutting people off, running red lights – whatever it took. Twice I lost him without any problems. Once he almost caught me.

After that chase, I concluded that he’d see me dead if he could. So I switched to a different store. I moved back in with my mom. I stayed far, FAR away from any store he might possibly own or have a connection to. I didn’t put anything in my name for a long time for fear that he would have a connection to find me.

Even after I’d settled down with The Man, I watched for him. When I was pregnant, I feared running into him even more, though it had been years since I had. He’d given me so many reasons to think he’d hurt me and very few to think he wouldn’t.

But I will always wonder in the back of my mind, Was he really a psycho – would he really have hurt me? Or was he just a sad old man, so infatuated that he didn’t know when to stop?

I’ll never know the answer to that, because he’ll never get close enough to tell me.

Better a thousand times careful than once dead. ~Proverb

Green Challenge

I mentioned in the last challenge that I had been trying some more eco-friendly products. This spurred me to show off my MS Paint skills (*wink*) and create….

The Green Butrfly Award.

An honor (what!?) given to websites and products aimed at making our planet a better place. Hey, it’s better than nothing, right!?

This week’s Green Butrfly goes to Seventh Generation Drawstring Kitchen Bags. I was a little wary of these bags because of their reviews were either “LOVE IT” or “HATE IT” - hardly anyone said they were just okay. But our first bag, we stuffed to the gills like we normally do (I‘m cheap…those things will last as long as I make them). I think the fact that I kept in mind how much thinner they were helped - I was probably more careful.

Check out the description from Drugstore.com:

You Are Making A Difference™

If every household in the U.S. replaced just one package of 20 count trash bags made from virgin plastic with 65% recycled ones, we could save:
*45,100 barrels of oil, enough to heat and cool 2,500 U.S. homes for a year
*824,800 million cubic feet of landfill space, equal to 1,200 full garbage trucks
*avoid 16,800 tons of pollution!

With statistics like that, I can totally switch! And you know, they are actually slightly cheaper than my regular brand. Score for me.

Not so great review:
I received my Larabar (Organic, vegan, kosher…bars?) samples in the mail over the weekend. (Thanks for the heads-up, FitSugar!) And every single flavor contains tree nuts. (Hi, I’m Amy and I can’t eat nuts! - Keep the jokes to yourself, I‘ve heard them all.) The Man, being the Big Brave Man that he is, tried the Chocolate Coffee bar…and spit it out. But he doesn’t really have a taste for “health” food like some people do. The kids wanted to try one, so I let them try the Chocolate mint. Ninja Boy spit it out with a horrified look on his face. Sunshine ate the entire bar and has asked for the others. With only 1/4 of the Butrfly House loving them, we won’t be buying any more. But I know she’s going to be super-excited to take them for snack on her last two days of school!

This week’s Green Challenge:
Give me your suggestions for products to try, websites to visit or anything else worth reviewing for the prestigious honor of the Green Butrfly Award (or whatever).

Also: check out the crazy pictures that

Life As I Know It found. Follow the link at the bottom to see the rest of them…some are political, but they are all pretty shocking.

I’m still keeping ‘em easy, people!

Makeover Monday #1

I’ve really been wanting to get involved with Shauna on this “Makeover Monday” thing that Moodswinging Mommy thought up.

This is really such a great idea, I’m so jealous that I didn’t think of it! I’m always working on ways to make myself better and how motivating is posting about it to the internet, right?
The best part of it…is that it requires ME to spend time on ME. And ME isn’t someone who gets put first too often.

Because I pretend, er, strive to be all yogic and centered, I’m going to categorize my goals as Mind, Body and Soul. That should make me a well-rounded person by, say, Thanksgiving, right?





Mind - Finish my book. I made it most of the way through Hip Tranquil Chick and got to the yoga poses part and quit. I didn’t want to go any further until I had time to practice the poses and never got the time for that. I do plan on finishing that book in the future, but this week, it’s the new book listed on my sidebar, Cleaning and the Meaning of Life by Paula Jhung. I don’t like the title of this book because it makes me think it’s about some neat freak with good cleaning tips. It’s not (and I was a little disappointed). Paula Jhung talks about how she lived in a chaotic mess and how she found ways around creating the mess in the first place rather than having to deal with it in the end. She follows ideas like I do, about bringing awareness to your habits and has some really profound reasons NOT to shop. I made it halfway through yesterday - the only reason I quit was to organize my closet (it’s THAT good!) - and want to make it a goal to finish it even though I’m going to be swamped at work this week.

Body - Yoga one night a week after work. Walk or run twice during the week.

Soul - Meditate once during the week. This one is the absolute hardest because it means it has to be accomplished when my house is quiet. Which is at 4:30 am. When meditating will make me fall back asleep. I better work hard at this one.



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Want to join in the fun? Here's what to do:

- Choose a goal. (It can be a new one each week or something more long-term.)
- Write a Makeover Monday post to share your goal for the week ahead. State whether or not you accomplished your goal from the previous week. It's okay to brag! If you are working towards a long-term goal, report on your progress.
- Spread the good karma by visiting other Makeover Monday participants to encourage and congratulate them on their own makeovers. (check out Moodswinging Mommy for a list of participants)
- Feel the love coming right back at you!

Don't let Monday be a downer! Start your week off right by celebrating your accomplishments and those of fellow bloggers.