Friday, May 11, 2007

Put On A Happy Face!

About Yesterday: Of course Mother’s Day is hard for me. It’s hard for millions of people: Women who’ve lost children, husbands who’ve lost wives, children who’ve lost mothers.

But this year it is extra *special* for me because yesterday The Man went to family court to discuss visitation changes. We’ve been doing a lot of talking and both think that it might be better for everyone if BioMom started taking the kids for full weekends e/o weekend (she only gets one night e/o/w now). She gained about 50 pounds, so I’m pretty sure she’s off the meth. She’s been in her own apartment for about a month (and hopefully will be more willing to provide a smoke-free visit with the kids). She’s just made some small improvements, you know? I was also hoping that spending more time with her, Ninja Boy would both lighten up his attitude and realize that rules have to apply everywhere. Does that seem sneaky? Having them longer than 24 hours, she’s going to have to apply rules, right?

Anyway – that’s not what this is about.

This is about Sunday. First, The Man agreed to the hours of six pm Friday to six pm Sunday – meaning I won’t see them pretty much at all on Sunday.

Also, for three years, I’ve been getting “home”-made presents from the kids for Mother’s Day. When they were in daycare, they planted little flowers and made me “Tylenol” candles (red and white tealight candles back to back, really cute).

But this year, they didn’t. Sunshine was on the phone with BioMom, telling her, “I made you a card and a picture and something I can’t tell you.”

Do I really have a right to be upset here? I mean, she IS their mom. I am probably just jealous. And maybe a little spiteful that all it takes is a few months without canceling a visit and some toys and it’s like she never chose to be without them.

I would expect that they would always love their mom. She did give birth to them, and even though she made really bad choices, that’s gotta count for something.

I guess I’m just a little bitter – like I do all the work and she gets to just have fun with them.

After I got that off my chest yesterday, I felt much better. I went home to find that The Man had bought me a strand of pearls. He told me how much he appreciates me and that he thinks I am a good mom to the kids. That really made me feel better.

Then as soon as I walked into the building today, some jackass asked, “Hey, how’s that kid of yours?”

To which I replied, “Which one?”

“Oh, that’s right, I forgot, I’m sorry, I just – forgot.”

I tried to keep it together, but walking away, it didn’t seem like so much of an accident. It didn’t even really bother me until I asked which child he was referring to and THEN he suddenly remembered. I don’t know – that was just the final straw. I couldn’t even contain myself until I got to my cubicle. Like, I finally start feeling better and the Universe has to kick me in the gut.

Anyway, I’m not trying to stink up anyone else’s Mother’s Day – which is why I posted it early (that and I was going to explode if I didn’t).

All the MommyBloggers out there deserve to feel GOOD that day – myself included.

I plan on posting something **NICE** and **NOT SAD** Sunday, so check back.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend.


Kelly said...

Sometimes it's just so complicated isn't it? Just know that when the kids are old, and perhaps have kids of their own...they will know what you've done for them. But they'll have to old...really, really old. You know, past the teen years!;)

Sugar Kane said...

Being a 'mother' is so much more than giving birth. They may not always show it, but I'm sure they know who they can count on. I can't imagine what this must be like for you, but hang there! With each low comes an even better high.

Kateastrophe said...

I am not a mother, but I have one (duh). I also have the world's most amazing step-mother. I love her with all of my heart and have often told my Dad that if he divorces her, I'm going to her place for holidays still because she's cooler than he is anyway ;).

It was hard when we were younger. There was a lot of confusion about who to love and why and when. But just so you know, those kids DO love you and they will always love you because of the time and energy you have given them. They will grow up knowing who was there for them and appreciating you forever.

My step-mom IS my Mom too. She loves us like her own kids and we love her back. I am positive your kiddos will grow up feeling the same way towards you as I feel towards my step-mom. Hang in there! You're awesome!

Shauna said...

I agree with Kate and Sugar Kane - being a Mom is more than giving birth. And, yes the kids will realize that when they're older. And yes, that sucks for you right now.

Be glad that The Man recognizes all your efforts and what you do. You're a lucky wife.

Take care.

Brillig said...

I read your post yesterday, and I completely understood why you turned the comments off. Plus, you and I don't know each other from Adam in "real" life. But still, I wanted to scream out to you that I was HERE and I CARE about what you'd just said! I had to restrain myself from emailing you, telling myself, "she turned the comments off because she doesn't want to talk about this!"

Anyway, I can't believe the things that you've gone through. And I can't believe how well you handle it all, including BioMom. I mean, most women wouldn't stick up for her and fight to give her more visitation rights. You are amazing. So, so amazing. I know you didn't write this so that we would all fall down at your feet and shower you with compliments, but I can't help myself. So.... sorry?

Kristina said...

First, can I come to your work and kick that guy in the teeth???? What a (insert worst thing you can think of here...I keep thinking of different things to call him and they seem inadequate)

Secondly, BioMom might have given physical birth to them, but YOU are there day in, day out, NOT HER. I know, deep down, they know that. Remember how jealous MX was that they get to have TWO mom's? They said it like it was the coolest thing EVER to get to have two mom's! You CHOSE to be a mom to them, she didn't. That alone speaks for itself.

Third, HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY! And I know someone's calling you "Mommy", you just can't hear it. :)

Kristina said...

oh, and this is funny. My dear husband told me yesterday he and that man of yours had a conversation of the "perils" of our birthday's falling so close to mother's day. I'm guessing it was more of a my-husband-looking-for-ideas kind of phone call, haha.

Butrfly4404 said...

I love you girls! I really, really do!!! "e" or not, I couldn't ask for better friends!

Kristina-haha, did you know they were fishing? I got my pearls last night for two reasons: 1 - the kids wouldn't be there Sunday and 2 - he told YOUR man what he'd gotten me and was scared the grapevine would get to me before he did. Haha, but T didn't even tell you he was fishing, so I guess that was nothing to worry about.

Kristina said...

Of course he didn't tell me they were fishing! Why? Because that's what *normal* people do! haha

I even remember him specifically telling me it was an on the phone conversation....what a nerd!

exskindiver said...

i agree with kate-that
there is confusion about who,why and when to love. your children will always love you but it just takes some maturing before they truly appreciate you and your support of their relationship (or brave front) with bio-mom--
like brillig said,
i too am here for you.

mom23guys1girl said...

You certainly have the right to feel jealous and bitter and hurt. You are with the kids all the time and things are changing. As things change, we do too. You'll probably get used to having your Sunday's to yourself and maybe even enjoy the time alone with your husband. It was nice that you were not forgotten by either the kids or your hubby for mother's day because you give a lot of yourself and deserve to be celebrated. Hope you have a nice one. Maureen

Worker Mommy said...

I'm a little late and I know you've updated since posting this but I just wanted to say from one stepmother to another I absolutely get what you are saying. Its not easy and your feelings are 100% valid.
Trust that you are doing the right things with Sunshine and NB and that they love you , they really do!
They may not call you "Mom" but you are absolutely a mom to them ! It may not always be recognized but take comfort in knowing that you are doing an amazing job. I don't know a ton of 25 year olds that would readily take on someone else's children and raise them as you've done. You're truly exceptional
{{Hugs to you}}!!!!