Monday, April 30, 2007

Because I DO care what you think...

if i told you things i did before
told you how i used to be
would you go along with someone like me
if you knew my story word for word
had all of my history
would you go along with someone like me

Peter, Bjorn and John, "Young Folks"

Driving home from work Friday night, I had a revelation.

I’ve started a story here that NOBODY knows about. Remember, Kristina didn’t hear about it, The Man never asked any more questions?? I mean NOBODY.

It’s not so much that it’s bad, although it wasn’t a high point in my life. It’s just that I didn’t think anyone would understand. The few people who knew a little bit about my situation knew only that for a reason. They didn’t understand, they couldn’t understand, so I just kept it to myself. For years, I’ve had this chunk of my life where I kind of disappeared from “me” and nobody ever questioned it. Isn’t that strange?

What brought this on was seeing all the local hits I got that day. This disturbed me for two reasons: One, I’ve never actually told people in my family about my blog. I do talk about it occasionally, but I think they just think I’m talking about something else and I just let them think that. Seeing those hits made me wonder: Is that my mom? And: Would I want my mom to read this?

The second reason the ‘local attention’ bothered me was that The Punjabi is actually a little well-known in these here parts. Of course, that’s not his real name, but I’m not sure I’ve done much to cover his identity.

So I spent the weekend contemplating; Do I really want to finish the story? Do I want to put it out there the way I’ve written it? With all its insinuations and open-endedness? Do I really want to reveal this dark part of my life to the world?

Yes. Yes I do.

If I were to die tomorrow, there would be years missing out of my life that nobody ever knew. I’m not proud of everything I’ve done in life, but I did them. I can’t come off as pretending that my whole life I’ve been this Cheery Green Philanthropist. I made mistakes and I’m willing to own up to them. Those choices are what made me who I am today.

But as you’re reading, just do me a favor and remember that while I didn’t make great choices, I’m still a smart girl. That will be important. With that, the story will continue Wednesday.

**Also, WalkAmerica went great, except for the fact that my brand-new camera wouldn’t turn on. So I’m waiting for pictures from my mom before I post about that.**

8 comments:

Brillig said...

Wow.

Well, I'm glad that you're going to write it, if that's what you want to do.

As for locals and your blog, I understand that too. I have had people find mine that I never expected to see there. But when they do, I've always thought, "Okay. Yeah. It's about time that they finally knew about that."

Anyway, I'm staying tuned for the rest--or for however much you're ready to say.

Kristina said...

There's pics up now :)

Something I've found, is that even if I don't want to tell something, for whatever reason (I'm embarassed, don't want people to think "that" about me, etc.) I feel better when I do. You don't have to run around telling every single person you know, but you find the trusted few, tell them, and it sometimes lifts a weight you didn't even realize was there.

That said, tell what you're comfortable telling, when you're ready to do it.

I know you're a smart girl :)

Sugar Kane said...

I applaud your courage. You continue to inspire and amaze me.

Cherann said...

Hmm. Now, the wheels are turning. Can't wait to read the rest.

Hope you raised a lot of money for MOD-- my brother and his wife walked this weekend too.

amy said...

Great job..Ill be back to read more!

Worker Mommy said...

Who are we to stand in judgement of anyone. Its what you do know that counts. We all know you are a very smart woman. Someone that many people could probably stand to take lessons from on how to be compassionate , sensitive and learn from mistakes rather than repeating the same ones over and over again

Worker Mommy said...

oops I meant to say "now" rather than "know"

exskindiver said...

waiting.