Thursday, September 20, 2007

2

Two years ago today was the worst day of my life.

Two years ago today my life was turned upside down.

Two years ago today we learned that Isabella would not be born alive.

Today is not an easy day. Especially to be at work. I’ve always blamed this place a little for losing her. It’s really hard to be here today. And I’ve only been in for twenty minutes.

I will look forward to Saturday and hopefully that will get me through. Saturday is a bittersweet day for me. As sorrowful as that day was two years ago, it was also a very proud day for me. I was proud of my family for sticking by me through it all – waiting all day for me to give birth when they knew what tears would follow. I was proud of The Man for how strong he was through everything and the strength he gave me. I was proud of myself for making it through what I thought would be impossible. But most of all, I was proud of the life we created. No matter how short it was – it was perfect. Perfect in the way that all she ever felt was love and adoration.

That day I finally got to meet the little girl who had spent nine months kicking my organs and flipping around inside me. I finally got to see her beautiful face – and it looked exactly how I had imagined it would. Exactly.

So I will, today, suffer through the hurt and pain of the memories of two years ago. Because I know that Saturday will be spent remembering a beautiful child who lived a beautiful life. Remembering how much everyone loves her. Remembering how everyone came to welcome her to the world and hand her over to God. Remembering that she is NOT a painful memory – but my beautiful baby who I will one day hold in my arms again.

20 comments:

Virtualsprite said...

Oh, sweetie. I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to imagine how horrible that is for you. But I'm glad that you've found a little positive in it. Good for you.

Kristina said...

Love you. If it were me, I'd fake sick and leave. I am so incredibly proud of you, truly. You have turned a horrible tragedy into a beautiful way to honor your baby girl by helping so many others, and I wish that I could do half as much if it were me. I know she's proud.

Worker Mommy said...

Your baby girl is looking down at you smiling. She and all of us here now what a truly amazing woman you are.
I wish you peace and strength on this day. I have to agree with Kristina, if you need to you should leave. You have to do what it right for you and if it doesn't feel right then change it.
Here's to Saturday and knowing what an incredible day it will be for you.
XO,
S.

Carla said...

Typing through tears, friend. I am very grateful to God that He chose you to be the perfect Mommy for Isabella. Her life has meaning and I am glad I was introduced to your daughter today. You will see her again.

exskindiver said...

my heart goes out to you.
i shall make sure my sisters read this.
this is painful and beautiful at the same time.
oh amy, if i could hug you right now
i would.
you know that don't you?

MommasWorld said...

That was so sweet. Brought tears to my eyes.

It is wonderful that you had her for the time you did.

Whiskeymarie said...

Don't know what to say.

So sorry, hon.

Brillig said...

I have sat here, trying to write just the perfect comment, debating my words--wanting to celebrate with you, but wanting to cry with you too.

I'm sitting here reading this in the middle of the night, tears pouring down my face, wishing I could throw my arms around you, wishing I could do SOMETHING.

I do believe that she led a perfect life, I KNOW that she loves and admires you, even when you don't feel lovable or admirable. And I KNOW that you will see her again and that she will consider herself the luckiest little girl ever to have you in her life.

This was so beautiful and powerful, and I'm still crying--not just because I'm mourning with you, but also because I'm celebrating her and her remarkable mom. Love you, Amy. I'll be thinking of you all weekend.

~JJ! said...

I send you all the hugs I could muster.

CDP said...

Happy birthday, baby Isabella. You'll see her again.

Shauna Loves Chocolate said...

Amy. I have no words. Just a lot of love for you.

Jodi said...

I have no words either. You are one incredibly strong woman. Huge hugs to you. And may you have a wonderful day on Saturday.

Carla said...

You are on my mind today. Saturday. I will be praying for you as you celebrate Isabella's life.

Becki said...

Oh, Amy. I remember the night my labor was induced so I could give birth to a little boy who would never draw breath. You should be proud of your strength and your love for your beautiful daughter. You will see her again, you will.

Swampy-Rah said...

Cheryl and I followed your story through mutual friends. We were saddened by the situation but encouraged and strengthened by your grace and obedience to God. There is no rational way to make Bellas visit make sense; I just have to consider what I have been given in my own children that God has loaned me for a time and realize that none of us has any guarantee that our child will be here tomorrow. It just has nothing to do with how long we have them, but how we love them.

Swampy

Carla said...

Well put, Swampy.

Canadian flake said...

I am sorry I wasn't here to comment sooner..but please know my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family..you will all be reunited again someday.

Amy said...

I'm sorry Amy, I just saw this! Thinking of you and your baby girl today.

Lucy said...

Hey Amy-sorry I haven't had much time to check out your blog lately with the new job and all, but I just wanted to give you a belated hug. I can't believe 2 years have gone by already. Keeping you & yours in my prayers......

Miss Kate said...

I've been thinking about the right words to say via a comment, but haven't been able to come up with any. My aunt had the same experience with her third child... I have always wondered how she kept it together and didn't hate God for taking baby Andrea's life. You are so strong and resilient and your perspective is amazing - I really am in awe.