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Two years ago today was the worst day of my life.

Two years ago today my life was turned upside down.

Two years ago today we learned that Isabella would not be born alive.

Today is not an easy day. Especially to be at work. I’ve always blamed this place a little for losing her. It’s really hard to be here today. And I’ve only been in for twenty minutes.

I will look forward to Saturday and hopefully that will get me through. Saturday is a bittersweet day for me. As sorrowful as that day was two years ago, it was also a very proud day for me. I was proud of my family for sticking by me through it all – waiting all day for me to give birth when they knew what tears would follow. I was proud of The Man for how strong he was through everything and the strength he gave me. I was proud of myself for making it through what I thought would be impossible. But most of all, I was proud of the life we created. No matter how short it was – it was perfect. Perfect in the way that all she ever felt was love and adoration.

That day I finally got to meet the little girl who had spent nine months kicking my organs and flipping around inside me. I finally got to see her beautiful face – and it looked exactly how I had imagined it would. Exactly.

So I will, today, suffer through the hurt and pain of the memories of two years ago. Because I know that Saturday will be spent remembering a beautiful child who lived a beautiful life. Remembering how much everyone loves her. Remembering how everyone came to welcome her to the world and hand her over to God. Remembering that she is NOT a painful memory – but my beautiful baby who I will one day hold in my arms again.

Have You Any Dreams You'd Like To Sell?

The other night I had a disturbing dream. I'm not normally a dreamer - or don't remember them, anyway.

I was at work, talking to my mom on the phone, trying to whisper to her that I thought I might be pregnant. The next thing I remember was an ultrasound being scheduled and then immediately performed in my cubicle. The ultrasound (because they are so accurate at, what, two weeks?) said something (in text even) about it being a boy. I feigned happiness in my dream, but mentioned to someone that they could never be sure at that far along.

Then in walks my boss, asking me "How long is this going to take?" "When will you be back at work?" "What's your plan, here?"

I was scared, confused...I just found out, I DON'T KNOW!!

I don't remember where it went from here, because really, it just got weird. But that feeling at the end of Office Scene 1 struck me through my whole body. I woke still feeling it. It was a crushing, confusing, debilitating, unknowing feeling. A feeling like I had to make a choice between two impossible solutions. Two very different paths that would each have a profound impact on my life. But I didn't know what to choose. I just sat there, with that feeling, wondering what to do.