Work

It's hard to believe I've been out of work for two months already. I've been working harder than I have in YEARS. Actual, physical WORK. Hammers and saws and lifting heavy things and being so absolutely filthy that all you can think about the whole way home is collapsing in the shower WORK. Frozen snot, double-layered gloves, wearing men's long underwear LAYERED and crappy winter boots being thankful when the God-forsaken wind STOPS for a minute WORK.

Not that I didn't feel my old job was work - people don't believe how exhausting it is to HAVE to sit all day or to have to stare into the glow of a computer screen until your eyes involuntarily close or spasm. While that work left me so mentally drained that even emotional interaction became yet another thing to do, physical work left my body aching and tired, but my mind and soul energized.

When classes started, it got a little more complicated. See, the plan my mom and I formulated was this: I helped her work on the house she is remodeling, she paid for the classes I needed in order to obtain my real estate license. So I crammed 106 hours of class into a month, while helping my mom with her house and my brother with his business on my off days. Not to mention still being mom and wife at home.

Suddenly, I was getting the worst of both working worlds - I was physically aching and mentally drained. Since I finished up my classes the week before Christmas, I took time off the laboring work as well so I had time to bake like mad for our "homemade" Christmas.

We had our Christmas fun, but I can't help but feel like I cheated myself from enjoying the season, and subsequently feel guilty for feeling that, knowing that I was doing what needs to be done. And that given the times and our circumstances, we were lucky we had the time, gifts and food that we did.

Now that the holidays are over, I have this weekend to relax and get my house back in order before I have to push full-force into this new career. It seems almost cheesy starting down a whole new path in life at the beginning of the year. Like a really bad book plot. But at least it will make doing my taxes easier.

So, that's where I am with life right now. Taking every day for what it is and pushing past the tight cocoon of limitations I had set for myself, hoping that this leap of faith lands my family on their feet.

Life

I took my bike out for a ride this morning
The path was hilly and not completely paved

At times, it was a mundane ride
Just pedaling away and moving straight on my path

At times, I was so tired that I just wanted to quit
But I knew I had to get home eventually

And at times, it was exhilarating - flying down hills with little control
Feeling the wind against my face and loving every second of it

As I parked my bike back in my garage,
My body ached but my soul felt refreshed

I realized that such is life
Ups, downs and straights

And through it all, if we just keep pedaling
At the end of our ride, our souls will reflect all we’ve done

Regret

All in all, I would say my wedding day was a beautiful day. I was so incredibly happy all day that even all the mishaps couldn’t stop me from smiling. Almost my whole family was there to be with us and it wasn‘t for something sad or terrible for once. And in the end, we accomplished what we set out to do: to become husband and wife.

But looking back now, I wonder what I spent that year of my life on. The planning and DIY tasks - they really didn’t consume as much time as I like to think. I spent that whole YEAR planning a party that was over in a few hours. I spent a whole year making plans and decorations that never even got used. All that time just for a few hours? I regret putting my life on “hold” to plan this thing when it obviously wasn’t needed.

And then, of course, there is the money thing. I promised myself we would not go into debt over the wedding. I promised myself (and my mother) that I would be more careful with this credit card. I knew we’d carry a little bit on our card until Mike got his tax return, but I wasn’t going to over that! Then little by little, the credit card added up. When I had my brother and sister caring for the kids and my grocery bill just wasn’t going to be gracefully extracted from my bank account any more, I charged it. Anything we needed (or, admittedly, wanted) but couldn‘t quite afford, I put on the card. And it added up to a lot more than Mike will be getting back. We are making HUGE monthly payments but it doesn’t seem to make a dent. I regret spending too much money when I know I should have been saving. I regret emptying my savings account to make a credit card payment instead of demanding that the church coordinator give me my deposit back NOW.

I have my little regrets over the wedding - waiting until the last minute to do a lot of stuff, being so stressed out and busy the day of, doing pictures before the ceremony but not getting that private moment with Mike when we first saw each other, letting people who didn‘t know what they were doing run my music when it was SO important to me. But really, those are very trivial things when I think of the time and resources that were piddled away on the whole deal.

And now. Now they are more than just regrets. They are mistakes. Because I lost my job yesterday. I have no money in savings. I have a huge credit card debt that is going to start accruing interest at the end of this year. I effectively screwed myself - which I SWORE to myself I would not do. I put my blog - the one thing I love that could actually bring in some sort of funds - on hold for so long that I lost my reader base. I put my family in jeopardy by spending my money frivolously.

Last month, Mike and I sat down and took a long hard look at our finances. We cut every corner we could in an effort to pay down our debt faster and hopefully get our savings going again. I finally got smart again, but it wasn’t soon enough. And now that our funds have been cut, we are going to have to do more than just cutting the unnecessary, we are going to have to make sacrifices.

I wish so badly that I could look back on my wedding with fond memories of “the happiest day of my life” like so many other brides. But for now, I look back on it with regret. Not in the marriage, of course - just in what it took to get there.

Here's the church...

And here's the steeple...

But if you opened those doors, you wouldn't see any people.

We did pictures before the ceremony. ;)

Well, it's about time.

October 15th

It seems like I just posted this. Has another year really gone by?

From October15th.com:

"On September 28, 2006, House Resolution # 222 was passed in the House of Representatives supporting the goals and ideals of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day."

And thanks to the congressmen who passed the resolution and the many people who called and wrote their congressmen asking for their support, October 15th is now nationally recognized as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.

Last Year

Impatient

My photographer is running behind in getting me my pictures, so I asked her to at least email me our "Thank You" pictures so I could get some cards printed up. She embedded the pictures instead of attaching them, so the quality isn't good enough for Shutterfly. But, it was good enough for blogger. :)

It was a fun idea - but I wouldn't recommend doing it to anyone unless their photographer could ensure they'd have a high quality edited picture available soon after the wedding. I'm now one month past my wedding and haven't even started writing my thank-you cards, much less ordered them. :