Trashy

Hi Friends. :)

Short update to excuse my disappearance because it's all the creativity I can muster:

I am officially a REALTOR in the state of Minnesota. I am STILL in training classes, but I'm trying to get out with people on appointments and such to get a little experience under my belt. To answer EVERYONE's question: No, haven't sold anything yet, but busy as heck anyway. I should be getting my first listing within the next couple of weeks. :)

Things are heating up with Nick getting to be that super fantastico magical number his mother keeps telling him about ("When you're 12, you get to decide where you want to live!"). Things have been really trying in this area of my life lately. However, we have FINALLY started the Total Transformation program that I received months and months ago. We've gotten through the first disk and it gives me a lot of hope - I plan on posting more about this later on.

I finally got to do a "Trash the Dress" (I like "Rock the Dress") shoot! We shot them at the Guthrie Theater in Minneapolis. Here are a few:

I hope you are all doing well. I'm trying to make my rounds on the monthly reader catch-up, but I can't make any promises. :) Miss you all.

Regret

All in all, I would say my wedding day was a beautiful day. I was so incredibly happy all day that even all the mishaps couldn’t stop me from smiling. Almost my whole family was there to be with us and it wasn‘t for something sad or terrible for once. And in the end, we accomplished what we set out to do: to become husband and wife.

But looking back now, I wonder what I spent that year of my life on. The planning and DIY tasks - they really didn’t consume as much time as I like to think. I spent that whole YEAR planning a party that was over in a few hours. I spent a whole year making plans and decorations that never even got used. All that time just for a few hours? I regret putting my life on “hold” to plan this thing when it obviously wasn’t needed.

And then, of course, there is the money thing. I promised myself we would not go into debt over the wedding. I promised myself (and my mother) that I would be more careful with this credit card. I knew we’d carry a little bit on our card until Mike got his tax return, but I wasn’t going to over that! Then little by little, the credit card added up. When I had my brother and sister caring for the kids and my grocery bill just wasn’t going to be gracefully extracted from my bank account any more, I charged it. Anything we needed (or, admittedly, wanted) but couldn‘t quite afford, I put on the card. And it added up to a lot more than Mike will be getting back. We are making HUGE monthly payments but it doesn’t seem to make a dent. I regret spending too much money when I know I should have been saving. I regret emptying my savings account to make a credit card payment instead of demanding that the church coordinator give me my deposit back NOW.

I have my little regrets over the wedding - waiting until the last minute to do a lot of stuff, being so stressed out and busy the day of, doing pictures before the ceremony but not getting that private moment with Mike when we first saw each other, letting people who didn‘t know what they were doing run my music when it was SO important to me. But really, those are very trivial things when I think of the time and resources that were piddled away on the whole deal.

And now. Now they are more than just regrets. They are mistakes. Because I lost my job yesterday. I have no money in savings. I have a huge credit card debt that is going to start accruing interest at the end of this year. I effectively screwed myself - which I SWORE to myself I would not do. I put my blog - the one thing I love that could actually bring in some sort of funds - on hold for so long that I lost my reader base. I put my family in jeopardy by spending my money frivolously.

Last month, Mike and I sat down and took a long hard look at our finances. We cut every corner we could in an effort to pay down our debt faster and hopefully get our savings going again. I finally got smart again, but it wasn’t soon enough. And now that our funds have been cut, we are going to have to do more than just cutting the unnecessary, we are going to have to make sacrifices.

I wish so badly that I could look back on my wedding with fond memories of “the happiest day of my life” like so many other brides. But for now, I look back on it with regret. Not in the marriage, of course - just in what it took to get there.

Here's the church...

And here's the steeple...

But if you opened those doors, you wouldn't see any people.

We did pictures before the ceremony. ;)

Well, it's about time.

Impatient

My photographer is running behind in getting me my pictures, so I asked her to at least email me our "Thank You" pictures so I could get some cards printed up. She embedded the pictures instead of attaching them, so the quality isn't good enough for Shutterfly. But, it was good enough for blogger. :)

It was a fun idea - but I wouldn't recommend doing it to anyone unless their photographer could ensure they'd have a high quality edited picture available soon after the wedding. I'm now one month past my wedding and haven't even started writing my thank-you cards, much less ordered them. :

Very fast Chicago/Honeymoon recap

Thursday - Caught the Amtrak to Chicago at 7:50 a.m. Almost missed the train. Srsly - we were the people running with all their luggage at the "ALL ABOARD!" call. Train ride was lovely - the food was not as bad as expected. Arrived at our hotel around 4:30 (GREAT service here, but they charge for internet service and that almost killed me) and got acquainted with our room. Had dinner and a show at the 20's themed "speakeasy," Tommy Gun's Garage (good food, actually, although they almost sent me to the hospital with the surprise almonds in my green beans - show was great, too).

Friday - walked down to a shoreline park, then up through Navy Pier. Walked though downtown, rain started. Saw the Marilyn Monroe exhibit at the Cultural Center. Got a little freaked out. Walked around a lot more. Lunch at Buddy Guy's Legends (I know I sold myself short going here for lunch over dinner, but I am cheap and didn't want to pay the cover) where we enjoyed deep-friend okra, gumbo and a shrimp po' boy (for Mike). Walked around a lot more. Finally bought a Go Card for the following day so we could go IN places. Walked around some more. Then Volare for dinner. (Excellent. The place was packed at almost 10:00 and we still had great service.)

Saturday - it poured. And poured. And poured. Weather people said, "If you have plans, cancel them." We walked anyway. We walked for an hour to get to the Sears Tower, where we were told there was zero visibility. We went to the Art Institute and practically ran through it to have time to see other things. Caught the free trolley to the Field Museum where, again, we hurried through. Got done and had time left for one more activity. Left the museum campus to take a trolley to Navy Pier to do a shoreline tour on the boats. Was severely disappointed when nobody was there (after I called to make sure we could do it. I was mad. Very, very mad.) Defeated and feeling ripped off, we tried to find the Hershey's store to drown our disappointment with chocolate. That was another disappointment. I demanded that we go back to the hotel where our day picked up very well with the aforementioned pizza (from Gino’s East) and Iron Chef. Mike said we could go to Lincoln Park Zoo and Millennium Park Sunday morning before we left.

Sunday - It was still f%@!&* pouring outside so the outdoor activities were cancelled. We enjoyed our room until check out then caught a cab to the car rental place - the cabbie suggested finding alternate routes out of town as rain and flooding was causing some exits to close. Got to the car rental place to find a line OUT THE DOOR. Amtrak cancelled trains out - O'Hare was cancelling flights (No line bumps for people who reserved their car a week ahead, either). FINALLY got our car and then spent over an hour trying to get out of town. We were at the Illinois border around 5 when we realized we had not eaten or drank anything (besides the Starbucks my wonderful husband(!) went out in the rain to get while I waited in line earlier) ALL DAY. Finally found a Chili's. The rest of the night was spent driving home with Mike demonstrating his amazing skill of really getting lost. :)

So, it started out fun and ended up frustrating me a bit. But the frustrations and disappointments helped to remind me why we were there in the first place - that no matter what the situation, we were there together and we could be happy together even when things weren't going the way we had hoped. And we can still laugh with each other when we're soaking wet, aching tired and insanely frustrated. And in the end, we still had four kid-less, jobless and responsibility-less days to just enjoy each other's company. And that we did.

Behind the Scenes

If it rains on your wedding day...

It's supposed to mean good luck.

I think the rainbow we got (and the hopefully awesome pro shots along with it) could count as that.

I'm officially a Mrs!

And one of the family

Props to my photographer allowing us to use some of our engagement pictures as family pictures. And props to my brother for keeping the kids [mostly] clean while they waited to jump in.

One of Us

We did our engagement pictures a little late and I just got the disk in the mail today - two weeks out from the wedding. :) This is my favorite:

Showering

Miss Patti and me at my bridal shower over the weekend.

Honeymooning

So it seems that beautiful sandy beaches and vast oceans are not in my near future. Ideally, that would have been what my honeymoon was like. However, even when we thought we might kinda sorta be able to maybe afford such a trip, we realized our prime honeymoon time was also prime hurricane time. No thank you to that.

We then decided that we would cozy up in a nicer-than-usual hotel in Duluth for a long weekend. Until a horde of in-line skating enthusiasts trampled my second-rate-dream honeymoon by stealing all the hotel rooms. (B&B’s are adorable, they are…I just can’t bring myself to stay in one.)

So we were left with about five days to go pretty much wherever we wanted. We wanted a place we’ve never been to but didn’t have to travel a long way to get to. We came up with…Chicago.

This is where you come in, my friends. I need advice. I need places to eat (fun, but not too fancy), places to stay (nice, but not “independently wealthy” nice), things to go see and do. Even a pointer to which area I should stay would help me narrow my search a bit.
I went nuts and almost cancelled our last vacation – which was only to Wisconsin Dells – because I had to figure it all out on my own with no help or input. I don’t want to risk that again.

Weddingy Goodness

You know you're a neglectful blogger when people begin to email you questions that you normally would have answered months ago without prodding.

I'm not trying to keep my wedding stuff a secret at all. But it really is the reason I haven't been blogging. Not that I'm actually here working or something!

But even when I DO want to post about it, I'm reminded of a card from someecards - "Your wedding sounds so interesting to you." People say that to me with their eyes quite often.

HOWEVER! Seeing how I have gotten more than a couple emails asking me about my plans, I have decided that you will hear about it whether it is interesting to you or NOT. So pffflt if it isn't. (Or YAY if it is!)

First - Things I have decided on (Pictures hiding in the links).

My theme - Black and White and lots of pearls.

Why Pearls? It started with The Dress. The dress has pearls beaded throughout, as does the veil. We decided that my bridesmaids would wear a strand of pearls to match my dress and it just spilled over into everything from there. But really, the theme all comes down to classics.

You might notice that Alyssa's dress is a tiny wittle replica of mine (the straps were too loose on mine and had fallen back in this picture). I did NOT do this on purpose (I've heard some "bridezilla" remarks about trying to dress them like your clone). I actually had a very frilly white dress with black embroidery picked out, but she saw this one and realized it was like mine and had to have it. I'm not complaining. I'm also not cloning. So Haters can just eff off. I think it's adorable.

The bridesmaid dresses, I think anyway, are my #1 proof that I am nothing close to the reptilious (like my new word?) beast they love to compare brides to. Kristina can vouch for me – I said, “You need a black dress.” She found one she liked and that’s the one they got. However, the only picture I have of them in the dresses, it looks like we hate my lovely sister-in-law or something - or she hates us – so instead, I’ll link to a picture of Katherine Heigl’s sister’s wedding. Where Miss Katherine wore the same one.

Ceremony - We will be having it at the UCC church like I planned. I asked my 'grandpa' if he was willing to officiate and he gladly accepted. I'm really excited to have it here now. We went to church last Sunday and I felt like it was just the right place for it to be.

Reception - We chose a golf course near the church. It's actually very pretty as compared to the other one we looked at. Their shining moment was when the coordinator offered me the smaller banquet room since my guests would fit. This room not only has a fireplace in it, but the deposit was also $400 less and the minimum was $4000 less. I'll TAKE IT. We have yet to attend a tasting and select our menus, but I hear the food is at least all right. :D

Photographer - I actually only met with one photographer. But I did do a lot of online research. I figured if I didn't like their "show" folders - or couldn't afford them - why bother meeting them? I'm a busy lady! But the photographer we decided to use is close to the location, is very nice and has an eye for a great picture (which I based off the pictures on her walls as well as her portfolio). And did I mention she has great prices??

Flowers - I haven't chosen my florist yet (but may just go with the one I met if the other one doesn't get back to me soon), but I have officially decided that my bouquet will be white roses with pearl-adorned stephanotis wrapped in black satin with pearl straight pins. Bridesmaids' bouquets will be white hydrangeas and stephanotis. (Kind of like these). The flowers were really funny to me because up until an hour before I met the first florist, I had absolutely NO idea what I wanted and after searching through hundreds of examples, I was able to settle on these easily.


Things Coming Up To Do:

Cake - I don't know where we're getting the cake done yet, but I do know what style I want (something sorta like this) and the flavor will be easy for me to choose. I'm pretty excited to go eat cake, though. Probably next month.

Paper - I am LOVING some of the DIY Invitations I'm seeing so some other engaged friends and I are going to check out the paper place soon to see if this is feasible.

Centerpieces - Going with candles...I have a lot of deal-shopping to do for this job before I know exactly what it will look like, though.

And that, my lovelies, is as much Tulle-related information that I will force down your throats for one day.

(To those that asked...thank you! Not many people let me talk about it!)

Why I UCC

As much as I like to joke about the churches in my area labeling me a “sinner” and refusing to marry me because The Man and I have been living, well, in sin – It’s mostly a cover-up.

“Ooh, those Baptists!” I say as we drive by. “Too good to let sinners like us in their church!”

I stick my tongue out at the beautiful Swedish Lutheran church on the lake between my mom’s and my house. Because they never even bothered to answer me when I inquired about their “strongly request” statement.

And I do it all with a smile on my face. “Haha, just kidding!” I say.

But really – I’m not kidding. I’m angry with them. I’m angry that they took it upon themselves to judge me – not knowing a damn thing about me, except that I live with my fiancé. I’m angry that they made me feel like I was less of a person because of the life I’ve chosen.

I want to ask them, “What would make a better Christian? Someone who took on two children to raise as her own – with no legal binds, no monetary supplement, no promise of any future. Or someone who passed up that opportunity because doing so would require that I live with them and that just doesn’t fit what you call ‘God’s Plan.’”

I have fought the urge to call them up and ask just why they still felt that be so necessary. Why they feel the need to make ME feel like I am just trash.

I had the opportunity to say something Wednesday. See, someone from the office of the Swedish Lutheran church responded to my membership inquiry asking if someone had gotten back to me yet.

Some of you know that my tongue can be awfully sharp. I don’t always think about things before I say – or type (and send) – them.

I wrote what I felt and then edited it to make it a little more appropriate. I was polite and expressed my thanks for getting back to me.

But I left in one line that was not friendly, but also not spiteful like I tend to be – It was just honest.

I have started driving to my old church in _____ and plan to have the wedding there now. Location means nothing when acceptance is the real issue.

That was immediately returned with a rush of apologies.

I'm so sorry that you didn't receive a response to that inquiry. I have not heard that this church has a policy regarding living together before marriage, and doubt that would be an issue regarding your upcoming marriage. We (the church) are in the midst of a search for a pastor (Pastor M is our interim pastor) and expected to call a new pastor in October. Pastor M may have assumed he would not be the pastor who would be here when you plan to marry. I sincerely hope you will attend a service here. The members of this church are friendly and caring. Pastor M is a wonderful minister. Please let me know if I can help you in any way. And thanks for the quick response! Since I have your address, I will send you our October newsletter.

That was nice. It was nice that she reached out to me. It doesn’t give me back the night I spent crying in bed feeling like trash because yet another church deemed me ‘inappropriate.’ And it’s too late to change my plans now. But still, it helped me feel better.

Then, shortly after, I got an email from Pastor M. titled, “sorry for the misscommunication![sic]” Among his apologies for the “lost” email and an explanation of his interim duties was something that angered me again:

The only policies Spring Lake have concerning marriages are in the info I sent you. There is no policy concerning couples living together.

Because I am neurotic and save EVERYTHING, allow me to pull the fourth paragraph out of the file he is talking about…the one called “Wedding Policies:”

Our congregation prays that you will be happily married "as long as you both shall live." We hope that you treat each other as gifts from God. We also hope that you will hold off in some things until your marriage date. Our congregation strongly requests that couples refrain from living together and from fully expressing their God‑given gift of sexuality until that time. It is worth the wait!

Since he IS the interim Pastor, there is a good possibility that he didn’t write the policies. There is a good chance he’s never even really read them. And there is an even better chance that he never saw the email in the first place. I appreciate and accept the apologies. I will let it go and might even stop in for a service.

But I learned something through this misunderstanding. See, when the Baptists wouldn’t marry us, I wasn’t that upset (not until it became a pattern, anyway). The Man had told me they were a pretty strict bunch. But I was raised Lutheran and had never in my life been harshly judged by one. They not only left me feeling like trash for the decisions I’ve made – they left me questioning where I even belong as a Christian.

I once again found myself in the embrace of the United Church of Christ. The church that was there for my single mom when she needed them. Who provided an apartment for our family while they had people working on our house. The church that provided - with no fees - the pastor who baptized my daughter and then the sanctuary in which we held her funeral.

Even though the Lutherans weren’t being as judgemental as I had thought, I never even had to question it with the UCC church. It never even crossed my mind that I wouldn’t be welcome there.

It was kind of like home to me.

On High Expectations

I don’t think I ask for a lot.

Even when it comes to my wedding – something I’ve been secretly planning in my head for at least ten years – I don’t think I set really high expectations. At least not compared to a lot of the “Bridezilla” stories I’ve heard.

This is what I wanted:

We marry in a small, white country church near our house. All of our friends and family move on to the cocktail hour at the banquet hall while we take pictures out front by the steeple.

When we arrive to the beautifully (but simply!) decorated banquet hall, everyone greets us, then we move into the dining area where we feast on our moderately-priced dinners.

After dinner, The Man and I bust out our dance moves for the first dance, then everyone joins us on the large dance floor to groove to our DJ – my iPod (which I have, for no reason, named Sam).

After cake and dancing and night of fun, the adults are happily (but not overly) intoxicated and shuffle into the rented bus back to their hotel.

Simple, right? I don’t think that’s too much.

So how can one girl encounter so many problems with such a simple plan?

The only churches that resemble my vision met us with this response: “We expect couples to honor God's design and purpose for marriage by not living together before marriage.”

Hmm…would it be better if I went to live with my mom for a bit? Does the fact that we’ve already had a child play into this at all?

I thought I had found a loophole when one pastor wrote “we strongly request that couples refrain from living together…” and responded with “Strongly request? Does that mean you’ll accept us if we ARE?” To which I never received a reply.

We have found a church a little closer to the city. My old church, as a matter of fact. A Congregational church, where they only care that you love Jesus, not how you’re loving your mate. They don’t make me feel like a dirty whore. I like that in a church.


On to that banquet hall…the only places I’ve checked are golf courses. In my area, there is an abundance of golf courses. Some are very nice and some are a little run down. To avoid making visits to places I couldn’t afford, I got all their menus and policies from them via email or their websites and added up every amenity, gratuity, fee and tax I could think of. And realized that I can’t afford it. Any of them. Okay, maybe the one with the wood paneling, brown folding chairs and dance floor the size of a bathtub – but do I really want it there? No.

I have called off the wedding three times (only to people that know I will change my mind, of course) and have given up on the planning at least fifty times.

I would really like to get us some more time. After next year, we’ll have a little equity in our house that we could use. We’ll have another year of tax returns to put toward it. We’d have more TIME.

But then I’m met with “You can MAKE it special. It’s not about where you have it – it’s about you two getting married.” Which sounds nice and all, but it’s kind of a lot of bullshit. I don’t really want to spend $4,000 on the caterer to eat it in the basement of the VFW. I don’t really want my family to fly in from all over the country to eat KFC (which, judging from my disappearing money outlets, is going to be our caterer of choice). I’m secure in our relationship. Especially now that I have my ring. This wedding is supposed to be the “grandest party” we can throw to celebrate our choice to be together forever.

Is it really too much to ask that it be just a little bit like I’ve pictured it??

You MIGHT be a MN Redneck...

I was ecstatic.

The Man and I had finally settled on our wedding colors.

Plum and Gold.

Perfect for a late summer wedding.

I lay in bed reading a bridal magazine and envisioning my colors in the dresses, the decor, the flowers. "Deep purple rose petals with...I guess we'd have to have yellow instead of gold." I thought out loud.

I pictured Sunshine's petals hitting the aisle.



"Shit." I blurted out. "We picked the damn Vikings colors."

Back to the drawing board.

That's "MRS. H" to you.

Or, it will be in the next couple years.

I'm shooting for fall of '08, but I've only had a couple days to officially think about it.

I have lots of pictures and stories to share, but a severe time deficiancy.

Tomorrow - pictures for sure.