I'm Coming Out.

My secret identity has been compromised.

I leaked sensitive information about my family two posts ago.

Sure, Worker Mommy pointed it out and I got it fixed up. But I have no way of knowing who saw the information before that.

I had to make a choice. I could track the IP addresses of anyone who visited my blog from the first publishing time to the second and blackmail them to keep quiet (or, you know, just kill them). OR! I could just not do anything. Or I could come clean.

I have decided...The jig is up.

To tell you the truth, I was getting a little sick of the Blog Names, anyway. I had reasons for each one of them - the main being to protect my family from any weirdos that might want to come steal my babies in the middle of the night. But the more I think about it, the more I convince myself - they're never going to find them solely because they know our names. Because, really, we all have extremely common names. Not like my mom or sister - whose names will never be mentioned on here.

Without further ado, I give you the Butrfly Family Breakdown:

The Man = Mike
Sunshine = Alyssa
Ninja Boy = Nicholas
Butrfly = Amy (Me) (Oh, wait, you knew that one.)*

From here on out, we give up our Uber-Secret Identities and will stick with not letting our last names out.


So. There you go. Merry Late Christmas. I got you Information! Hope it fits.


*(Or did you? How would you feel if I told you that was NOT my real name??)

I'm Locking Her Up.

The first time, it was cute.

But if I see one more love letter come home from school, I'm locking the girl up and not letting her out until she's thirty five.

CPS be damned! My baby is being courted in first grade!!

BY MORE THAN ONE BOY!

Daddy's on the verge of a breakdown himself. I just hope Shane and Austin know to stay far away from this house.

Rambling, Ranting and Making Excuses

Or…the origin of my SR.

When I replied to my Brilly-Poo’s (;p) comment yesterday, instead of quick email back, I ended up with a whole blog post.

Brill said that she used to be very outgoing but now she’s more of a homebody.

And guess what…I used to be that way, too! I used to HATE sitting at home. I worked retail and LOVED my job. My favorite part (besides the free or very cheap shoes) was interacting with people all day long.

As I moved from my “Party Girl/Single Girl/Hot Shoe Store Girl” persona to the “Mom/Office Worker/Wife” persona I’ve taken on, my need for that interaction faded. But it wasn’t until Bella that I began to dread meeting people so much that it actually prevented me from leaving the house.

Because any time I have a conversation with someone new, the subject of kids comes up. “Do you guys have any kids?” I usually explain that The Man has two kids who live with us. I used to "avoid" this situation by saying "we" have two kids. Then I wouldn’t have to explain the custody thing. But then, the subject can turn to, "So the kids with Grandma?" I could LIE (most of the time, sometimes they are with Grandma), or tell them that they are at their mom's. [Weird look] Then explain that they are The Man's kids and not “mine.”

Inevitably, the conversation always turns to me. Or, more accurately, my baby-making. It's either, "So do YOU have any kids?" or "Are you guys ever going to have kids together?"

And in that absolutely inevitable moment, I have to make the choice: Do I lie or tell them the truth? If I tell them the truth, the conversation - and the 'relationship' - go sour. Always. It goes a little something like this (these are actual things people have really said to me!):

"So do YOU have any kids?"
"Um. Yeah. We had a baby girl in 2005 who was stillborn."

The Idiot:
"Oh. Huh. Well...you'll have more."

The Prodder:
What happened? Are you going to try again? Why NOT? Oh, don’t worry about that! Being a mother is the greatest thing you can experience! Giving birth, that’s the most beautiful moment of a woman’s life. [Me: I HAVE given birth!] That’s not the same! It’s not the same, you see, that baby did not live. It’s just not the same. [Note: Conversation aborted, Prodder’s life depended on it.]

The Suicide Promoter
Oh, my God! Seriously? That must be TERRIBLE! How do you go ON? Oh, I just don't know how I would live if one of my kids died! No, really! I would just KILL myself! Oh. My. God!

The Weired Out Person:
"Oh, really? That's really...bad." [silence]

Those are the basic reactions. Somehow, the conversation always turns to this and ends with someone (or both) feeling uncomfortable. Or sometimes they really upset me and sometimes no matter how hard I try I can’t hide my newfound hatred for them and their giant thoughtless mouths.

But as painful as it is to drudge it up every time I meet someone, it’s a thousand times more painful not to. Because as easy as a “No.” would be to throw out, in my mind and in my heart saying that is denying Her. It’s lying about almost a whole year of my life. Pretending that a child never existed. A child that grew from a microscopic seed into a six pound baby girl in my womb. Who I spent twenty minutes pushing to see. Who I held on to as long as I possibly could. Who I’ve cried over for two and a half years.

As easy as it would be, I just can’t do it. Rather, I choose to stay home – away from new people who want to know how my ovaries are working.

But, like I said in the last post, I’m working on it. I’m trying new things with my “Conversating Skillz.”

Saturday night while we were out, an old friend whom I haven’t seen in years, asked The Question: “So do you have any kids?” I smiled and said, “The Man has two kids who live with us.” And she smiled and ended the conversation. So, thank you, J, for knowing your personal conversational limits. Thank you for not needing a status on my uterus. Thank you for letting me enjoy my evening and thus, allowing yourself to enjoy yours.


Click HERE for a Public Service Announcement (aka “a rant”) from The Butrfly Garden (well placed in the Complain Room).

Overcoming SR

Some of you may remember that I am inflicted with SR.

Social Retardation can come in many forms. Common symptoms include: inability to RSVP, fear of the telephone, diarrhea of the mouth or sudden loss of speech, telling horrible jokes, other speech impediments, fear of crowds and much, much more.

Mine is not the most severe, but it does cause problems in my daily life. I don't hang out with friends very often - sometimes I even wonder if I really have friends (you know, "I.R.L."). When I DO actually push myself to set up 'dates,' it takes every ounce of my being to make me follow through. Or sometimes I just cancel at the last minute. If my phone rings and we don't know who's calling, there is often a quick Paper, Rock, Scissor game between The Man and I to see who has to answer it. If someone comes to our door, (after our initial shock wears off) we downright argue about who has to answer it and then chant on our way to the door, "Be for the kids, be for the kids, be for the kids..."

It's not that I don't like people. I just don't like interacting with them. And about half the time I do push myself to "interact," I'm reminded of why I don't. The other half of the time, I go home with a smile on my face. Not only because I had a good time, but because I'm proud that I pushed myself to do something that scares me and it turned out well.

This weekend can all be chalked up in the Good Half. Since The Man had to work Saturday morning, we spent Friday night at home eating pizza and wishing we were Jason Bourne. Saturday, I played Grinch and walked through my house tearing down my Christmas decorations. Sunshine was at a party down the street from us so after the party, she came home for a bit before we dropped her off at her mom's again. Then we headed to my old stompin' ground, where we went out for dinner and then met friends.....AT A BAR. And even though The Man felt out of place, we hung out there for over an hour. Add an impromptu visit at another friends' house and I have THREE HOURS to check off on my "GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!" list.

Sunday, Kristina and I battled CROWDS (another SR trigger) - Crowds of BRIDES (something anyone should be scared of) - to visit vendors at a wedding fair.

So despite the fact that I'm really tired today (when your idea of a night out is going to Chili's for dinner, actually going out really wears you down!), I'm proud of myself for getting out there "making" myself have a good time. Because I needed it more than I knew.

Social Retardation: [roughly] 700

Amy: 1

(Hmm, well, it's a start.)

Adept

I don't really care much for most of the guards at work. They seem either too crabby or too self-important or both. But there is one older man, Leo, whom I've always liked. He's friendly and has a wealth of stories. He took this job in retirement to give him something to do after working at the brewery most his life. We usually exchange pleasantries as I head out the door three nights a week.

As I was leaving last night, I couldn't shake the feeling like I was forgetting something.

Did I leave my cell phone on my desk? No, I had that. I went over my mental checklist and couldn't find anything missing.

I passed the guards' desk and turned to say good night to Leo.

"You look like you've forgotten something!" He warned.

"I feel like I forgot something!! How did you know that?!" I replied.

"You just have that look on your face like. Bill, in there, he always has that look because he forgets his cell phone. Do you have yours?"

"That's what I thought I was missing, but I grabbed it!" I was astonished.

"Well, you just make sure you didn't forget anything and have a great night!" Leo said with a wave.

I waved back and told him to have a great night, too.

Either he can read minds, or he's really good at his job.

A Thought...

A Thought to start out the new year:

Why don't "empty" calories weigh less?

(No scientific answers, please. We no likey science here.)

Have a SAFE and FUN night!!

Reinventing the Wheel

Trying to make your 2008 Resolutions?

You could use the old stand-bys of "Lose weight, make more money" and the like. Or...you could resolve to make changes where they'll really matter to you.

One of my favorite People Who Don't Know I Exist, Kimberly Wilson of Hip Tranquil Chick fame, had this as a suggestion in her book, Hip Tranquil Chick. It's easy and eye-opening all at once.

Take this life wheel (or draw your own) and color in each section in relation to how satisfied you are with each element. For example, if you are partially satisfied with your career, partially fill up the section labeled "career." (I told you it was easy!)

Do it right now. I'll wait.

Mine looked like this:


I'm pretty well satisfied with my home life. There's always room for improvement in any situation, but as a whole, I am happy. Same goes for relationships, though I know I need more close relationships in my life.

My health, finances, creativity and spirituality all fall at about 50%. I haven't been eating very well or getting any exercise but I'm pretty healthy besides that. My finances need some work. And though an easy answer would be "MORE MONEY!" I know that if I really worked hard at it, I could arrange my finances better - but again, I'm not poor or even really hurting badly for money. My creativity. Hmm...has anyone else noticed a little dry spell around here lately? Though I love to blame lack of time for not posting, a lot of it was that I didn't have any of those "OMG! I have to write about this!" moments - the kind of moments that drive me to be creative despite my lacking time. And finally, Spirituality; I've talked about this before. I struggle with finding a place to call 'my own' that shares my ideals. No big surprise there.

Now those little measly green ones: Career and Self-Care. Obviously the areas that need the most improvement, they actually fell a spot from when I did the wheel the first time. I can't give them a zero, because my job is somewhat fulfilling. It's fulfilling my bank account, anyhow, and that's more than a lot of people have. And I do small things to make myself happy. Though this mostly includes eating cookies and that drags down Health.


Step two is to think of a few things you could do to improve your most low-rated areas. I'll be honest, this is not as easy as coloring. But it is the important part. They have to be things you can do RIGHT NOW. Unlike my rationalization that "Once I lose weight...then I can buy a nice dress...THEN I can start going to church." (I know! My way of thinking surprises even me sometimes.)


So, starting with those little green guys, here are my steps:
SELF CARE -
1. Get a hair cut. I've longed for a nice cut for over a year. I finally got a gift card (I guess that makes it only partially "Self" Care) to my favorite salon, so this will be easily accomplished. I know it will give me a better attitude when it comes to getting myself ready every day.
2. Practice Yoga more frequently. I'm always saying I'm going to do this and don't. But it always gets put off because I ENJOY IT and things enjoyed are always pushed behind things that are NOT enjoyed. The Rule Of Mommies, no?

Completing these steps would put SELF CARE at least to 50%.

CAREER -
1. Keep resume polished and keep looking for jobs - I've applied a couple places, but haven't put forth a full effort. Part of me is very scared to leave this job - I've taken it on as a large part of my identity. But the other part of me is scared to stay and just be "used to" being unhappy with my days.
2. Keep a happier attitude at work - Change your mind and change the world, right? You are only as unhappy as you tell yourself you are. Since I told myself this a few weeks back, I've made a big effort to deflect people's bad attitudes instead of absorbing them. It's working pretty well. And for the time being, it makes this job a whole heck of a lot better.

I can't guess how happy I'll be if and when I leave this job. The main part is going to be keeping up with #2 - despite my employer.

HEALTH -
1. Eat healthier
2. Exercise more (Big DUH's, eh?)

FINANCES -
1. Plan grocery list better so I'm not spending so much unnecessary money (geez, I can't believe the place I blow all my money is the GROCERY STORE! Blech! What kind of woman am I!?!?)
2. Pay bills on time. Avoid fees. Keep happy creditors. Win-Win.

CREATIVITY -
1. Carry a notepad again so I can write down ideas when they strike
2. Follow through with crafty ideas. (In other words, instead of saving all that fabric, actually MAKE SOMETHING. Oooh. Bright Idea!)

SPIRITUALITY -
1. Attend service at a church. Just one. To see how it goes. If it doesn't work out...
2. Attend service at another church.


Looks like Mid-February or so, I should have one magenta-filled Life Wheel! Or, maybe a tad longer.


I'm really anxious to find out what ratings your Life Wheel got. And...what you plan to do to raise them up.