Friday, March 2, 2007

Socially Retarded

It’s not even nine o’clock on our only Snow Day of the year and the kids are already in their rooms for fighting (all morning). The Man is out clearing the driveway of our freshly fallen 14 inches of snow. I’ve got my coffee and my ‘puter. If it weren’t for this damn cold and sinus headache, I’d be feeling a little bit of heaven right now.

My number of fallen inches was just a guess - based on what The Man is facing with the snow blower. Not sure if I’d share that number with the folks at work for fear of being called a LIAR.

When we left for work yesterday morning, there were cars all up in the ditch. The roads were slick and slushy. Half an hour later, I hit the more urbanized area and it was a decent drive. Both The Man and I got “Mmm, hmmm” looks from people when we said we had already gotten snow. What-ever! I don’t make this stuff up!

We both left work at one yesterday to get home before it got really bad. Lucky me, got home first and got to shovel out the bottom of the driveway! About three, he said “Well, that was just dumb to leave work, it’s not bad at all out there - it’s NOT EVEN SNOWING. I’m going to play video games!” I swear - I turned around and saw a blizzard start out of nowhere through the window. Hmph. Don't call all me dumb...I'm just ahead of the game!

Last week when got our first round, we were missing some kind of pin to get our snow blower working. So we had to shovel out the WHOLE THING. Some neighbors were helping my next-door neighbor shovel out hers because her husband was sick. Once they were done, they made their way over to ours. “I’ll just help ya put a dent in this plow crap,” the guy says. So he, his wife, and their NDN (a female cop), start in at the bottom of our driveway. One minute later, a van stops in the road and the guy goes to talk to them. Then his wife joined him…leaving this cop, whom I’ve never met, shoveling the “plow crap” from the bottom of my driveway with her dog running around. I asked what her dog’s name was and I guess she didn’t hear me, so I kept shoveling. What was I really supposed to do, go talk to her? “Hey, thanks so much for helping…oh, you missed some there…Yeah, heck of storm, wasn’t it? Is it bothering you that I’m just sitting here talking while you shovel my driveway???” It didn’t take long before she awkwardly joined the couple at the van.

Really, I have NO idea how I was supposed to treat that situation. It made me think of a term my SIL introduced to me…Socially Retarded. Urban Dictionary had only one definition of this condition:

“This is when someone lacks the social skills that normal people developed in high school. They missed out on normal socialization because they were outcasts, more than likely because they were physically unattractive, but that is not always the case. Attractive people can be affected by this when they are only liked BECAUSE of their looks and nothing else. Usually occurs in males. Excessive internet use is also a dominant cause.

Sorry to disappoint, but I’m neither male NOR unattractive...and my personality has always been fairly likable. I was also pretty ‘normal’ for years. Meaning: I had REAL LIVE friends, social events to attend, and was really outgoing.

I just lack something now when it comes to making friends. I have no interest in introducing myself to people. I H.A.T.E. going places where I don’t know anyone. Especially now that I live in such a small town. Like Sunshine’s first birthday party with new friends from school - TORTURE. “Hi, I’ll just stand here looking like a dumbass while you go talk to your friends about me. No, nothing to drink, thanks!” (For the record, I left - like the anxious little geek that I am.)

Even when people try to be friends with me, I usually think they’re weird for even talking to me. Like the new girl at my work. She’s in her twenties, fairly fashionable - not too trendy and not a horrible dresser like the other new girl. She's really nice and goes out of her way to be friendly to me. But she’s single. There’s something odd about that to me, because single people think SO differently than non-single people…especially when the non-single people have kids. It's hard to explain to people in their situation that you like to be home at eight o'clock because you LIKE tucking your kids in at night and they try to stay up if BOTH parents don't.

But I don’t limit my indifference to just single people. My neighbor is my age - and married - and goes to church with my realtor (who also happens to be a good friend’s mom). Her daughter is great friends with Sunshine. I got to know them at Sunshine’s last birthday party and they seem REALLY nice. One afternoon this fall, The Man was outside mowing the lawn and I was on my way to the store to pick up groceries for an outing at my mom’s. Neighbor came over to get her daughter - who didn’t want to leave - but Neighbor had to get to the store. The Man offered to let her stay as he would be done soon. That’s when she said, “Oh, well, do you want to go to the store together?”

TOGETHER?? Why would we go to the store TOGETHER? What if she takes a long time? What if I take too long? What if it’s uncomfortable?

“…That’s…okay…” I said, obviously completely offending her. “Alright, well, I’ll be back soon!” I suppose it didn’t help that I sat and argued with my mom on the phone while she was there. Hindsight, always being 20/20, showed me I could been more tactful. I just couldn’t think of a better way to react. I haven’t really talked to her since. And she was one of those who only VIEWED the invitation to my Cheerful Givers party…never replying…or showing up. Payback's a bitch, I guess.

I worry about myself. What if there is a Great Internet Crash and I lose contact with all my eFriends? I would become a hermit with no human contact whatsoever.

My best friend from high school does daycare for me. I see her and her baby every morning. That doesn’t mean we ever actually talk, though. She called me the other night and said “I really did have something to ask you, but I just can’t think of it!” When our conversation turned to ground turkey vs. ground beef, I knew why she’d called. I miss her, too. But I hate talking on the phone. I also don’t make any room in my life for anything but family, work and errands.

But sometimes my heart aches for something else to do. For an evening spent just talking. For a Girl’s Night Out…or even a Girl’s Night In. Hell, even someone who wants to go hit up the local thrift store.

I guess until I get this social anxiety - or retardation - under control, I still have you, my internets…my eFriends. I treasure every moment spent reading your antics and every comment you leave about mine.

Thanks for being Socially Retarded with me.

FMILF UPDATE: I know you sneaky girls have been coming over here, checking to see if I’ve posted an update…as I told Sillychick I would. So here’s your update: I haven’t done a damn thing. I didn’t buy my elliptical, I haven’t even tried to exercise or watch what I eat (besides my normal habits). My new excuse is the snow (See pictures).
But I love you all for checking on me and I promise I’ll post updates every Friday…even if I’ve done nothing. Also, I’ve been checking on a lot of you, too…and you’re doing GREAT. (16 POUNDS, Sillychick???? Awesomeness!!!) Keep up the hard work and inspire my lazy ass to get up in the gym and work on my fitness.


sillychick said...

First let me comment on the social awkwardness. I, too, sometimes have that problem and I get so mad at myself afterwards for acting like such a dork. I have friends that go out and my husband is cool with me going to...but, no. I stay inside where it's nice and cozy and warm.

I think I'll be better this summer. The Princess will be older and more flexible as far as sleeping times go and I'll be skinnier, too!

Which brings me to my next point: I hate to do this, really I do, but I feel an ass kicking coming on! Come on, girl, I need you!!! You gotta do this with me or it's all for naught. Well, maybe not that extreme, but still. Come on!

If I can get up at 5am in subzero temps with 6 inches of fresh snow on the ground to go to the gym, so can you!!!!!!!!!!

Consider your ass officially kicked.

Kristina said...

I've never seen an actual definition of social retardation...but it so makes sense for me. One way to tell it's still in full swing: When you do make it to a party, and stay, and talk to another parent...and for some reason feel the need to MENTION said social retardation within the FIRST MINUTE of the conversation. Then wonder why they quit talking to you.....

Aimee said...

I have SR when a repair person/other hired laborer comes over to do something on my house. What do I say? Do they want to be left alone? DO they want to chat? Do they want a drink? SHould I offer them one? Would that be weird? They're talking about me, aren't they? Damn . . .
That's why I always pretend to be a way more involved mom than I usually am - if I'm busy with the kids, the repair person can't assume that I'm just a total socipathic jackass (like I really am). It's also why I love the internet so much . . .

Thanks for stopping by my party!

MrsLady said...

After a terrible lifelong battle with social retardation, I am glad to know that I am not alone! LoL :) I LOVE your blog! I am definately going to give you some linkage on my page!

Lotta said...

Husbands are great for no other reason then the fact that they will shovel snow. Amen! And thanks for MILF posting, but get busy!