“This is his wife.”

“This is his wife.”

That’s a statement I have made way more times than a girl who has never been married should.

See, The Man does not like doing things like, calling people, or writing letters or basically doing anything that requires him to take his own time to speak to someone about something important. Really, it doesn’t even matter how important it is. Electricity? They’ll turn it back on when they get the check, right? Health insurance? Eh, those things don’t show up on your credit report anyway! (LIES.)

The Man and the kids had just moved in with me when Sunshine got sick. Really sick. I don’t remember details, but I know it was bad enough that we had to get her IN to the doctor. The problem we had was that Scari had insurance on Sunshine - because The Man hadn’t added her to his yet (ahem) - through the county. Because she got FREE health care. (And food stamps. And “living” money. Smoke crack, people, it’s the way to the easy life!!) However, Scari was no where to be found - nor was any information about her health insurance.

“Can we just get her in to see the doctor and deal with finding the insurance company LATER, like, when the bill comes?” I asked the receptionist at my clinic of five years.

“You’ll need a deposit if the patient doesn’t have insurance.”

“Oh, but she DOES have insurance, I just can’t find her cards, I think her mom has them.”

“Her MOM? Who is THIS?”

In this moment, I remembered something. They’re not going to tell me ANYTHING. I’d been in this situation before. It gets to the part where they say “And who am I speaking with?” - I say ’girlfriend’ and they tell me to have him call back. Girlfriends hold absolutely no credibility. You can be together for 25 years and know every last freckle on that person’s body - but if you aren’t married, you aren’t important enough to hear their private details.

“Her father’s wife.” I said.

“Oh! Oh, well, here’s what you need to do…”

There was also the time when we got a letter in the mail saying he had written - out of his own, personal account - a bad check to Denny’s. For starters, he hadn’t owned a check book for that account in years. Also, we don’t write checks…especially at restaurants. Denny’s is also not a normal stop for us.

When the thirty days to dispute the bill was nearly over, I finally said, “I’m calling about this! I’m not going to pay out the next time we need a loan because you don’t want to argue!”

So I called.

“Aaaand, who am I speaking with?” asked the cheery southern collection rep.

“Amy H.”

“Oops. We have this account under The Man‘s name.”

“Yes, that’s my husband.” I said confidently.

“But….your name…”

“It’s 2006 and it’s still ‘weird’ for me to keep my last name?” I laughed.

“Oh, no, hahahahaha, I suppose you’re right! Okay, let’s look and see what’s going on here.”

It has gotten much more use over time. On the net, ‘dh’ holds much more credibility with the other wives than ‘bf.’

“Oh! Wu-ell, he’s only, like, my BOYfriend, so, like, I dunno, like, all that stuff. (Heehee.)”

I know that’s what they hear.

Sometimes, it backfires. At work, I often confuse who knows me well enough to know that’s a big fat lie. “My husband said…” “Oh. My. GOOOOOSH! When did you get married!?!??!?” “Oh, well, we didn’t yet….it’s just, uh, easier, you know?”

I get by with it. My wedding will be coming soon enough (is a decade soon?) and I can stop living this horrible lie. I will actually be able to call and use my name and nobody will ever question WHO I am or WHY I would be calling.

While this problem has a solution for me, there are still a lot of people in my situation who’s problems will never be remedied. Loving, caring couples who want to be able to sort out legal documents, health insurance, credit problems - but can’t.

I consider myself a conservative person. I am a Christian. I still can’t - for the LIFE of me - figure out why two men marrying each other would have anything to do with anyone but them. (Although, upon searching for reasons, I found this funny list of reasons why.)

But I’m not really here to push that issue…I want to know, have you ever experienced this? Married women, have you ever felt out of the loop because you WERE married?

Mesmerizing Mia

Walking into the dark, smoky bar, I immediately felt out of place.

I worried what they would say about us, as it was completely obvious we did not belong.

People shot us disapproving looks as we held hands and edged through the crowd looking for her. We didn’t know who we were looking for, but Cowboy did.

Then she spotted us. She flung her arms up in the air and made her way to us in her super-high heels. Her mini-skirt and tube top were tight as could be. Her thick blonde hair settled on her broad shoulders. Her glittery makeup was heavily, but perfectly, applied.

She wrapped herself in Cowboy’s arms and introduced herself to me.

I’m sure I looked like a scared child. Brought into a place I’d never been, seeing this girl for the first time. But I wasn’t scared at all…I was in awe.

This girl had a very loud, spirited personality. She flirted with everyone. She had a style and a way about her that most girls just don’t have. She was outgoing and funny. She was wild and uninhibited.

She was nothing like the man she was during the day.

You see, that’s the first time I’d ever met Mia…but I’d met her male counterpart, Jake, on several occasions.

Jake was a smart, quiet, cute guy. When we were first introduced to him, I could have never guessed what kind of experience he would provide me in the future.

We went out to watch Mia perform on a few more occasions. This included more gay bar experiences and a visit to the Pride Festival. Each time I watched in amazement as this cute little quiet guy transformed himself into a glamorous, high-energy, beautiful woman.

Aside from some very entertaining entertainment, Jake/Mia provided me with some life lessons that I will never forget:
~ Things are not always as they seem.
~ The “quiet” ones need to break out sometimes, too.
~ Beauty can be found in the most unexpected places.
~ Sometimes people don’t want to be one thing or another…they just want to be.

Cowboy and Jake’s relationship didn’t last. Jake went off to Europe to study design, never to be heard from again.

I’ve yet to find a drag queen as beautiful and sweet as Mia. Though I can’t say I’ve tried.

I hope she’s still doing her thing.

(Miss Chi-Chi is my second favorite drag queen.)